Jokes???

[Al Cormack]

A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

 

 

http://www.cormacktreecare.co.uk

[Mark J]

Why did Boy George give his lizard five valium?

 

For a calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon.

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

Labour wins huge majority in local elections after Diane Abbott counts the votes.

[Stubby]

Labour wins huge majority in local elections after Diane Abbott counts the votes.

 

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

Anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I put £3 on a cowboy outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning the labour party...

[TreeProfessional]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Ones really heavy and the others a little lighter.

[Christopher Schroeter]

My sister bet me a hundred quid that I couldn't build a car from spaghetti.

 

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

[sloth]

Brilliant! One I invented myself:

What does T rex like to eat in the morning? Breckiasaurus!

 

Now where's my coat...

[Will Heal]

What do you call nuts on a wall?

walnuts

What do you call nuts on someone's chest?

Chestnuts

What do you call nuts on a woman's chin?

A mouthful of cock!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Arbtalk

[I_am_the_arbor_king]

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by Smash Mouth she would dump me...

 

 

 

 

I thought she was joking but then i saw her face