Jokes???

[Big J]

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

[Big J]

This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas?

It's a cover version.

[TTP]

A warning to all, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

 

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine.

 

Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Garstang and Over Wyre Police checkpoint at Barton Grange, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.

 

Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Double Decker before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

[Big J]

Did you know that nearly half of all vehicular accidents in Sweden are caused by moose? I've not idea why they let them drive.

 

What do you call a Norwegian prostitute? Fjord Escort.

 

How do you get a Scotsman onto your roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.

[Stumpy Grinder]

Paddy sees a tree felling job advertised and decides to apply.

Mr Solomon, his new boss, tells him he expects him to cut down 100 trees a day and he will give him a week to get up to speed. He tells Paddy to buy himself a chainsaw.

Paddy turns up on Monday morning with his brand new chainsaw and gets stuck in, managing 80 felled trees on his first day.

As the week goes on, Paddy gradually become more efficient, but by Friday, he has only managed to cut down 95 trees a day.

This isn't good enough for Mr Solomon, and Paddy is sacked.

With no more use for the chainsaw, he takes it back to the chainsaw shop he bought it from, to sell it back.

The shop owner gives starter cord a pull to check how it is working and it bursts into life.

A curious look comes on Paddy's face as he asks:

"What's that noise?"

SG

[aspenarb]

Not a joke but made me laugh

 

http://arbtalk.co.uk/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=215744&stc=1&d=1484067289

[Mark Bolam]

A bloke is out on the drink with the lads and throws up all over himself.

'Oh no', he says. 'The wife says she'll leave me if I come home in a state again'.

 

'Never mind', says his mate. 'Stick a £20 note in your jacket pocket. Tell her someone threw up over you and gave you £20 for dry cleaning'.

 

He does this and staggers home.

 

He explains what happened to the wife, but she says 'How come there are two £20 notes in your pocket?'

 

'Oh, the second one is from the bloke who shat in my pants'.

[timbernut]

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

 

 

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[timbernut]

Some people are so f***ing thick!!! Just at the petrol garage and two old bill are sat staring at a woman who was pumping petrol and smoking at the same time. Like really, wtf! I'm thinking they are gonna nick her in a minute!! Proper dangerous and old bill are just sitting there. I go into the shop and just as I was about to leave, I hear someone screaming "look outside" the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was running around like a nutter waving her arm around and just going nuts. Everyone runs out the shop. One copper is trying to pat her out and the other one sprayed her with an extinguisher. Then proceed to nick her!!! Handcuffs the lot! I couldn't help myself and asked em why the f**k they were nicking her. wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough? I swear to god the copper looked me dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"

 

 

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[markieg31]

Some people are so f***ing thick!!! Just at the petrol garage and two old bill are sat staring at a woman who was pumping petrol and smoking at the same time. Like really, wtf! I'm thinking they are gonna nick her in a minute!! Proper dangerous and old bill are just sitting there. I go into the shop and just as I was about to leave, I hear someone screaming "look outside" the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was running around like a nutter waving her arm around and just going nuts. Everyone runs out the shop. One copper is trying to pat her out and the other one sprayed her with an extinguisher. Then proceed to nick her!!! Handcuffs the lot! I couldn't help myself and asked em why the f**k they were nicking her. wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough? I swear to god the copper looked me dead in the eye and said, "For waving a Firearm"

 

 

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Scraping the barrel here

 

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