Jokes???

[geoff]

“A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!”

[geoff]

One day, a man was complaining to his friend about how much his elbow ached and that he was thinking of seeing a doctor. His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the local shopping centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00!”

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing and, after a brief pause, popped out a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. So, he decided to give it a try – He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

Then, he went back to the store and located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

[JLA Arborists]

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.

I looked a right Prat on the bus this morning.

[PeteB]

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

 

Anyone can roast beef....

[geoff]

Jim Leslie, an elderly Scottish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

 

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Jim.

 

“Well," said Jim, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful,” said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

 

"That'll be me then," said Jim.

[Mull]

jim leslie, an elderly scottish farmer, received a letter from the department for work & pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

 

"tell me about your staff," he asked jim.

 

“well," said jim, "there's the farm hand, i pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"that's disgraceful,” said the inspector, "i need to interview the half-wit."

 

"that'll be me then," said jim.

 

 

😃👍😃👍😃

[gnfencer]

Little Johnny is in class one day when a fellow pupil pricks his finger on a drawing pin,

Upon seeing it happen wee Johnny " sir , quick get some magners"

 

What said the teacher, we need to run it under the cold tap,

 

No said johnny we need to get a glass of magners,

 

The teacher asks Johnny why he is so adamant that they need some magners

 

" well, said Johnny, whenever my big sister gets a prick in her fingers she says she always has to stick it inside her"

[geoff]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;...

T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

"I am a dominator!!"

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit !

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey!

__________________

[timbernut]

fifty shades of grey by pam ayres

the missus bought a paperback,

down shepton mallet way,

i had a look inside her bag;...

T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well i just left her to it,

and at ten i went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

the sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;

and in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

and then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

i might have had a peek;

but mabel hasn't weathered well;

she's eighty four next week!!

Watching mabel bump and grind;

could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

she toppled off her zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

a couple minutes later;

she put her teeth back in and said

"i am a dominator!!"

now if you knew our mabel,

you'd see just why i spluttered,

i'd spent two months in traction

for the last complaint i'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

bent forward just a bit

i went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit !

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

my god what had i done!

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"step on the other one!!"

well readers, i can tell no more;

of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

turned fifty shades of grey!

__________________

 

 

😀😀😄😀👍

[gnfencer]

A woman recently moves to a new area, and is struggling to find a boyfriend, she trays joining a gym, going to the movies, all the local pubs and clubs, libraries, absolutely everything to no avail,

 

In the end she goes to her doctor for some advice,

 

He looks at her, tells her to stand up, jump up and down, she does so, the doctor goes hmmmm, ok turn around,

So she turns around and gets her to jump up and down again,.

The doctor goes, " ah, as I thought" " ok sit down please"

The woman asks , do you know the problem doctor?

 

Yes, he replies you appear to have Zachary disease!

 

Zachary, disease what is that, she asks

 

Well, he says. It's when your face looks Zachary same as your arse