Jokes???

[PeteB]

I got hit in the mouth by a good looking girl last night in a lift. She walked in and smiled, I looked at her chest and she said "please press one", so I did and then the trouble started!

[Guest the cleaner]

Husband and wife in bed both reading a book

 

huband reaches under the blanket and touches wife's fanny

 

 

wife says 'oh darling you want sex?'

 

Husbsnds says 'no just want to wet me finger to turn me page'

[Mrwise306]

Whats long and sticky? ... this thread.

[Joe Newton]

Whats long and sticky? ... this thread.

 

 

Haha brilliant!

 

I really thought the answer might be "my willy"

[oldwoodcutter]

A stick.

[Stubby]

A stick.

 

No that's a boomerang that wont come back .

[gnfencer]

A boy is up in court for stealing a bicycle, he is asked to give his version of events,

" well, your honour, I was walking home from school with Suzy, we were talking away when /notice I her taking her beautiful blonde her out of its hair band,

She then asks if I fancy taking a shortcut home through the woods, so she gets off her bike and pushes it through the woods, it was a hot day and Suzy starts to unbutton her school blouse, and suggests we stop for a minute, so we stopped and Suzy throws down her bike, then she says she likes me a lot, and she then takes off her school blazer, unbutton her blouse and takes down her skirt, and panties , then she says I can have anything I want,

Well, the blazer wouldn't fit me, and the skirt and knickers are for girls, so I thought **** it, I'll take the bike,

[gnfencer]

A wedding in Ireland gets out of hand when the police are called to find the bride , groom and best man, fighting and all three end up being arrested,

The next day they are up in court and the best man is asked to explain his behaviour .

"Well mu lord, we had a fantastic day great ceremony , fantastic meal, and everyone was enjoying the day, until he ( pointing at the groom ) ruined it."

 

Go, on , said the judge,

 

" Well , I was dancing with the bride, she was looking radiant and gorgeous, and as we were dancing, the groom got up from his seat, took a gulp of his whisky, and then ran up to the dance floor, and kicked Patricia( the bride) square between the legs, that's when all hell broke loose"

 

The judge replies " I'm not surprised, that must of really hurt the poor woman"

 

The best man says " hurt her?, it broke three of my fecking fingers"

[gnfencer]

What's the difference between light and hard?

 

 

 

You can sleep with a light on.

[PeteB]

What's the difference between light and hard?

 

 

 

You can sleep with a light on.

 

 

I can turn over with the light on too....