Jokes???

[Bob Slade]

Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe

that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious.

Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then they flipped it over so that t he butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.

It must be miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it.

He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc." After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.

Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared that it is 'No Miracle'

They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side.

[Bob Slade]

After a lifetime wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were, son" his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back".

[Shane]

How do we know Adolf Hitler was a rubbish golfer?

 

He spent the last 6 weeks of his life in a bunker.

[gnfencer]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Dundee?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin!

[Dombant]

In the confessional with a 14 year-old boy:

 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, Joey Pagino?

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed, Father."

 

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very loyal. I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for the next 4 months. Now, you go and behave yourself."

 

Joey exits the confessional, walks the side aisle and sits down in a pew. His best friend, Frankie, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"A four month vacation and four outstanding leads."

[PeteB]

The teacher is giving class a lesson in English and she asks for a sentence containing the word fascinate.

 

Sarah bobs her hand up, "At the weekend, Mum took us to a farm and the animals were fascinating".

 

" Very good", says the teacher, "but I asked for fascinate and you used fascinating"

 

Rebecca pipes up, "In the holidays, Dad took us all to a working museum and we were all fascinated".

 

" Good, but again, incorrect. You said fascinated when I asked for fascinate. Who will give me a sentence with the correct word?"

 

Johnny sticks his hand up and the teacher quails, she has been burnt by him before. How can he ruin this she thinks.....

 

"My big sister has a shirt with ten buttons on it, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

[gnfencer]

The same teacher asks the kids to come up with a sentence with the word contagious in it,

Sarah, puts her hand up and says " miss, the is an Ebola outbreak in Africa and that is very contagious" very good says teacher who's next?

Rebecca puts beforehand up and says "my brother has broken arm but i cant get it because it isn't contagious" again that's excellent,

Then wee Johnny puts his hand up and the teacher thinks well surely I'm safe this time I'll chance it.

"Ok Johnny, on you go. " well miss, our next door neighbour is painting his shed with a one inch paint brush, and my dad says that it will take the **** ages.

[Garyjp]

The same teacher asks the kids to come up with a sentence with the word contagious in it,

 

Sarah, puts her hand up and says " miss, the is an Ebola outbreak in Africa and that is very contagious" very good says teacher who's next?

 

Rebecca puts beforehand up and says "my brother has broken arm but i cant get it because it isn't contagious" again that's excellent,

 

Then wee Johnny puts his hand up and the teacher thinks well surely I'm safe this time I'll chance it.

 

"Ok Johnny, on you go. " well miss, our next door neighbour is painting his shed with a one inch paint brush, and my dad says that it will take the **** ages.

 

 

proper funny! 😂😂😂😂

[sloth]

Two Italians get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

 

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

 

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

[Ropechucka]

First my back, now my knee

 

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