Jokes???

[geoff]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father.

 

He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before.

 

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

 

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine.

 

The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

 

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

 

When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

[geoff]

Guy having sex with a 40 stone woman stops and says do you mind if i put the light out?

 

she says why are you embarassed??

 

he says no the bulbs burning my ass!!

[sloth]

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

 

These are our rules:

 

Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

 

1.*Shopping is NOT a*sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1.*Crying is blackmail.

1.*Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!JUST SAY IT!

1.*’Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1.*Come to us with a*problem*only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.*Sympathy*is what your girlfriends are for

1.*A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a*doctor

1.*Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1.*If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1.*If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1.*You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.*Not both…!!*If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself

1.*Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials

1.*Christopher Columbus*did not need directions and neither do we

1.*ALL men see in only 16 colours, like*Windows*default*settings.*Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.*We have no idea what mauve is.

1.*If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1.*If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle

1.*If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear

1.*When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1.*You have enough*clothes

1.*You have too many shoes

1.*I am*in shape. Round is a shape.

1.*Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the*couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it's like camping.

[bobh]

Totally agree with number1

[TGB]

sloth, I agree with most if not all. But the one I a like and agree with most, has to be 1.

[Paulfreebury]

Ditto!!

[PeteB]

My ex said she likes a man with a big dick and loads of money! I told her she was wrong! She needs a tighter fanny and to get a job!

[aspenarb]

As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"

 

"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."

 

"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."

 

I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."

 

Bob

[1andyman]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

 

He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

 

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

 

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[Garyjp]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

 

He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"

 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

 

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

 

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

 

Eeewwwwww!

 

 

 

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