Jokes???

[Mycoman]

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

 

 

 

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

 

 

 

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

 

 

 

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

 

 

 

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

.

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

[sandy2210]

Three Alsations in the pound discussing why they were in first one says that he was playing with the neighbours children when he got exited and peed on the floor

why are you here asked the other two

to be put down he says

second one say he saw a new postman comeing up the path and got exited and bit him

what are you here for asks the other two

to be put down he replys

third one says he was watching his misstress taking a shower and when she came out i got over exited and sh****d her

why are you here asked the other two

to get my claws cut!!!

[Mycoman]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says its got epilepsy. The vet says "It looks calm enough to me" Paddy says "I haven't taken it out the bowl yet!"

 

 

 

 

Looks like Stuart Hall is looking at five years. Could be ten if the police play their joker.

[Mycoman]

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line. I nearly crapped her pants!

[Mycoman]

My missus bought a Christmas tree the other day. The assistant asked "will you be putting it up yourself?". She replied:

 

 

 

"Don't be DISGUSTING! It's going in the lounge"

[PeteB]

I went with a girl whose parts were like plasticene, I don't think I got it in but I certainly made a good impression!

[Mycoman]

Me: "Two tickets please."

Cashier: "for the hobbit?"

Me: "no, she's actually my girlfriend"

[Tommy_B]

Me: "Two tickets please."

Cashier: "for the hobbit?"

Me: "no, she's actually my girlfriend"

 

Ha ha ha!! Really like that one.

[RobRainford]

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...

 

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

[farmer rod]

For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...

 

I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.

 

I was reminded that a batchelor was a chap who hadn't made the same mistake once