Jokes???

[Christopher Schroeter]

Just bought a dog from the local blacksmith.

As soon as I got it home he made a bolt for the door.

[Stephen Blair]

Brilliant!!!

[Tom Wilding]

Saw a magic tractor today

Drove down the road and turned into a field!

 

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[RobRainford]

I wish all these girls got as excited about me finishing in less than 10 seconds.

[PeteB]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French **** again."

[geoff]

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart

when they collide.. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about

that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention

to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a

coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm

getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she

look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair,

blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short

shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

[Stephen Blair]

Double funny there guys, brilliant!

[Tree Man Tom]

Just lost my job as a bingo caller. Apparently a meal for two with a hairy view is not the correct way to call 69

[Lyn Ed]

Can you believe it, they sent my income tax return form back to me,

In response to question 4 `do you have any dependants` i replied,

 

2.1 million illegal immigrants

 

1.1 million crackheads

 

4.4 million unemployed

 

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons

 

and 650 idiots in parliment

 

apparently, this was not an acceptable answer

[geoff]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

 

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

 

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

 

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 

 

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

 

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

 

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

 

'Tripod?'

 

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

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