Jokes???

[PeteB]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

 

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[nepia]

I told the wife that according to reincarnation we all come back as different creatures.

She said "I'd like to come back as a cow".

I said "You obviously haven't been listening".

[PeteB]

I didn't realise that I had dyslexia, until I went to a Toga party dressed as a Goat!

[oldwoodcutter]

I was offered 8 reindeer legs for £40 the other day,do you think thats too dear?

[seniorgup]

I was offered a sat nav for £600 the other day.... I told him where to go

[Graham]

Two Rats are talking in a sewer.

 

One says to the other, "I'm sick to death of ****... it's all we ever eat...

**** for breakfast, **** for lunch and **** for tea... I'm sick of it."

 

"Don't worry", replied the other rat... "We're on the piss tonight."

[RobRainford]

What is it with women and periods.

 

Everything is your fault when she's having one, and apparently it's your fault if she doesn't!

[oldwoodcutter]

Not being exactly snowed under with tree work,a young friend has had a side line supplying his local trendy pub/resteuront with 12 fresh squirrels a week.However the food standards agency have stuck their oar into the chefs creation and stipulated that each squirrel dish on the table must bear the warning 'may contain nuts'

Edited January 14, 2012 by oldwoodcutter
spelling

[doobin]

I walked into the gents the other day and there was this huge great black fella standing there doing his business. Course, I had to have a quick peak. Couldnt avoid it to be honest, there was a foot and half of the damn thing! Un believable!

 

Course he caught me looking didn't he! Before i could even open my mouth to speak, he just winked and said 'I just tie a bit of string round it and hang a house brick from it out the window before I go to bed every night. Grows a little more every time.'

 

Well, I took this fellas advice. Been doing that now for two weeks. And I'm pleased to say, I'm getting there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it's turning black.

Edited January 15, 2012 by Andy Collins
Language

[Matthew Arnold]

A young man was buying some condoms. The cashier asked him:

 

"Would you like a bag with those?"

 

He replies:

Nah, she's not that ugly...."