Jokes???

[Daniël Bos]

How did the fairy get pregnant?

She sat on a toads tool.

 

 

When's a fairy not a fairy?

 

When she's got her head in a pixie's pants, then she's a goblin

[Paulfreebury]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm a scitsafrenic

And so am I

[geoff]

The Reverend

 

 

 

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

 

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

 

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

 

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

 

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

 

The pub barkeep looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

 

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.

 

I'm Pastor Fluff."

 

The barkeep said, "Ah well, if you're that far , ye might as well finish."

[pgkevet]

A Texan on holiday in Ireland to discover his roots goes into a country pub. He buys a pit and starts chatting to Paddy at the bar:

 

"So what do you do for a living?" Asks the Texan

 

"For sure, I've got a couple of acres that I farm." Paddy replies.

 

The Texan proudly answers. "I have a place too. I can get on my horse before breakfast and ride all day without even stopping for lunch and by nightfall I'm only halfway across my land."

 

"Ah Begorrah, if I didn't have a horse like that too, once."

[geoff]

Hot and cold sex

 

 

 

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear

to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask

me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually

cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am

usually hot and sweaty."

 

 

 

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears

to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss

with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns

 

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He

claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first

time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

*"Oh, that stupid old fart''* she replied. "That's because the first

time is usually in January, and the second time is in August

[oldwoodcutter]

Mrs oldwoodcutter and i went to a bulimia awareness fundraising party on saturday night.

Blimey,the place was heaving.

[pgkevet]

This is a true story from this evening's consultations:

 

One of those times I just cracked up...

 

Lady client brought her greyhound in with a small cut to the thigh and thought it needed stitching.

So I pointed out that I was happy to suture it but dog was nervy/shaking so might need a touch of sedation with some local and the wound would need a bit of edge trimming or I could just clean it up and leave it open to heal with some antiseptic flushes. We all know how bad greyhound skin is at tearing sutures through but if she didn't like to see it open then I'd suture it for her.

 

Her answer?

 

"Whatever you recommend Mr Knapp. I'm a midwife and I'm used to leaving things open."

 

 

I just fell over laughing...

[Dave Martin]

Dear Mum Letter.....

 

 

 

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

 

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an

 

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the

 

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum.

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

 

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

 

with Dad and you.

 

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

 

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,

 

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

 

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 

We share a dream of having many more children.

 

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really

 

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

 

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

 

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

 

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

 

many grandchildren.

 

 

Love, your son, Nicholas.

 

 

 

“P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

 

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

 

the school report that's on my desk”

 

 

 

I love you!

 

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Stephen Blair]

Brilliant, just burst out laughing an a cafe lol.

[RobRainford]

whats white and cant climb trees?

 

 

 

My fridge