Jokes???

[TArrryan]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. then the gator will close its mouth for one minute. he'll then open his mouth and i'll remove my unit unscathed. in return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you must buy me a drink'

the crowd murmured approval. the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his genitals inside the alligators open mouth as the crowd gasped. after a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. the gator opened its mouth and the gentleman removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered ad the first of his free drinks arrived. The man stood up again and made another offer.

'I'll pay anyone £100 who's willing to give it a try'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while a woman timidly spoke up

'I'll try but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle'

 

 

Why dose a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

A prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again

 

 

One day a boy comes home from school and says

'Dad I really need to know the meaning of Hypothetically and Realistically for school'

the father replies 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for one million pounds'

The little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes

his dad says 'ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with another man for one million pounds'

He dose and sure enough she says yes, the father says

'You see son Hypothetically we are sitting on two million pounds but realistically we are living with a couple of whores'

 

 

A woman answers the door to a market researcher

'Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it in your household?'

'Oh yes, all the time. its very good for cuts grazes and burns'

'Do you use it for anything else?'

'Like what?'

'Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex'

'Oh of course. Yes, I smear it on the door knob to keep my husband out'

 

 

Three boy scouts, a lawyer, a priest and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash

The pilot says 'Well, we only have three parachutes, lets give them to the three boy scouts, they are young and have their whole lies in front of them'

the lawyer says 'F**k the boy scouts'

The priest says 'Do we have time?'

[yorkshire pudding]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

 

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

 

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.= 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

 

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

 

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eatan for three days.

 

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the meal I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..

 

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

 

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

 

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

 

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

 

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[yorkshire pudding]

No speakah de inglis !!

 

 

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

 

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more! .

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.'

 

The lady can't take this any more,

 

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly.

 

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

 

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi’

£5.00 says you're gonna read this again

[nipski]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to take a dump. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[nipski]

Two dyslexics are sitting in a car, one turns to the other and says can you smell petrol? The other says I can't even smell my own name!!

[Tommy_B]

Two dyslexics are sitting in a car, one turns to the other and says can you smell petrol? The other says I can't even smell my own name!!

 

Ha ha ha!!!

[Mick Stockbridge]

Two dyslexics are sitting in a car, one turns to the other and says can you smell petrol? The other says I can't even smell my own name!!

 

:lol:

[Saw-sick Steve]

Don't normally do this, but here's a good one for Paddy's Day...

A bloke is in the pub toilet when a dwarf enters and starts to use the urinal next to him. The guy can't help noticing that the dwarf is supremely well endowed, and can't help but comment.

''Jeez, that's a helluva tool'' he says

''Sure, would you like one the same?'' sez the dwarf

''Too right'' sez the bloke, ''can you make mine like that?''

''Of course'' replies the dwarf, ''I can do magic, for I am a Leprachaun''

''OK,'' said the man, ''what do I have to do?''

''Well,'' replies the dwarf, ''first, you have to take this one up yer backside''

The man looks shocked, but is so determined to increase his manhood that he agrees...

A short while later, while the dwarf is, ahem, pounding away, he asks the man a question;

''And how old might ya' be, laddie?''

The man replies, through gritted teeth,

''I'm 42!''

 

''42'', sez the dwarf,

 

 

'' and you still believe in Leprachauns...''

[Mozza]

Two dyslexics are sitting in a car, one turns to the other and says can you smell petrol? The other says I can't even smell my own name!!

 

hahahaha

[Hodge]

heather mills announced she is going to buy a plane with her divorce settlement but she is still going to use immac for her other leg.

 

Thats well funny.