Jokes???

[Peasgood]

With the current state of affairs in this country we should be keeping our heads down and hoping America doesn’t come and take it off us.

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[Mesterh]

7 hours ago, eggsarascal said:

Our American Royal Household reporter has advised us of the following:

(Will Canada, Cyprus, Ireland & Israel follow?)



Due to American incompetence at self-governance, the Queen has retaken America, for its own good.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your continuing failure to sensibly manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). 

Your new Prime Minister, Teresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' 
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not able to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one is called "soccer" and the other "rugby" (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen! 



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
.

If we are taking control of the USA sorting out the bacon issue needs to be at the top of that list.

 

 

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

43 minutes ago, Mesterh said:

If we are taking control of the USA sorting out the bacon issue needs to be at the top of that list.

 

 

And portion control! They feckers eat WAY too much! 

 

I can fair tuck it away, but last trip to NYC saw me & the Mrs sharing a starter as a main course - it’s quite obscene how much those Yankees eat!

[felixthelogchopper]

[Mesterh]

23 hours ago, kevinjohnsonmbe said:

And portion control! They feckers eat WAY too much! 

 

I can fair tuck it away, but last trip to NYC saw me & the Mrs sharing a starter as a main course - it’s quite obscene how much those Yankees eat!

He he.

Ive been to the US a few times and its quite breathtaking on what they can tuck away, Man V Food (TV program)is a prime example

 

 

 

 

[Mesterh]

A man goes to the circus. It's his first time, and he's pretty nervous about it. During an intermission, one of the clowns approaches the microphone and says "We are giving a special prize to the person sitting in section A, Row 12, seat D."

It's the man! He stands up, very nervous, and the clown says "You're a big stupid BOZO! This is a circus! No one wins prizes at the circus!"

The man doesn't know what to do, what to say. He's so flustered his face turns beet red and the audience starts laughing and laughing, and it's all he can do just to run out of the big top, ashamed that he fell for it, and that he couldn't think of anything clever to say in retort.

That's when he gets the idea to study exactly that. He signs up for a public communications class at the community college. He takes debate, extemporaneous speech, everything on public speaking and wit he can find.

The need compels him to study more and more and eventually the man gets a degree in communications, completes a PhD in quick-witted retorts. He starts speaking publicly, becoming a much-sought-after lecturer. Years pass, and his fame grows.

Finally, he's ready for his revenge. The man studies the circus. Sure enough, they're still doing that gag. And it's always the rube in the same seat who gets the grilling. He buys a ticket for that seat, and waits.

The moment comes. The clown approaches the microphone and says "We are giving a special prize to the person sitting in section A, Row 12, seat D." The man stands up, ready.

The clown insults him, the man stands up and says, 

"FUCK YOU, YOU RED NOSED CUNT!"

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

3 minutes ago, Mesterh said:

Man V Food (TV program)is a prime example 

Guilty pleasure watching it occasionally! The food is amazing - the scale obscene!!

[Ratman]

[eggsarascal]

My ex Misses was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, "Then I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, I stood up, and asked the judge if I could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

I said, "She also stole a can of peas."