AHPP

Or the butler but I suspect that he is, in this instance, not guilty.

Same pump, same fill, same cans, same historic contents, same everything. Left stored inside, right stored in sunlight.

Hasn’t had mix in it for ten years.

Definite brown twinge. Helpfully photo shows none of it.

Does petrol go this funny colour if left in strong sunlight for a week or has my butler mixed something with it?

See. He doesn’t even deny it. Weak and sick.

My kitchen stoichiometry is actually fine. I’m just curious as to what leads you so often to the perverse. Is it a wider thing? Do you like your women to have short hair? Does it please you to see them keeping on top of the shoe polishing? How long has this been the case?

Andrew Tate told me that complete combustion is for gammas. Real men dictate their household air:fuel ratio. I’ve been CO micro dosing myself for years now. I expect to one day get a woman pregnant from the next room.

Are you recovering from some bizarre past where you were drilled on the cleanliness of the outside of your pans? Were you part of an elite unit that only cooks on the outside? Months of hard routine, lapping slightly charcoally soup from the base and sides of a standard issue Breville, upturned, in an undisclosed location. Does a distant and serious expression habitually spread across your face when you stand in front of a sink?

I was trying to think of a funny mnemonic. Sudden arboreal self pollarding schedule or something.

Eh? We’re talking about the tape that goes between the frame and the skin aren’t we? How on earth is it falling off? The skin is pressing it on.

Christ.

That stuff is a pisstake if ever there was one. Normal, garden variety, cocktail quality white spirit cleans brushes just fine.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

IMG_3775.MOV

Isn’t it rather held down?

Typical slovenly catholic attitude.

I’ve got one of the good old red Chronys in the wardrobe up north. With the obligatory hole in obviously. Still works.

Campari with blurry other dog. Dirty glass.

Sailor supervising fence fixing yesterday. Related: Main dog activity today, absconding. One for Sailor, mainly following Meechoo’s bad example. His score, four in about an hour. Fixed fences, broke new holes, now I suspect he’s just going under the gate. He was straight back to escaping after getting him back in. Gave up and kennelled him after the fourth time. Twat.

Martini moment with Sailor. Dirty glass.

I’m convinced the bloke with a hook for a hand is an actor. It’s like the film Rat Race where bored rich blokes bet on increasingly ridiculous things just to see what they can get away with. “Let’s make him an absolute pantomime villain.” ”Give him an eyepatch and a hook for a hand.” ”loloololloll. Nobody will go for that surely.” ”hahahaha. Let’s just bally do it.”

The year is 2006 and your author is seventeen ish and working in an outdoor shop. I was sent to Luton for a week to sell woolly hats off a barrow in the Arndale centre. It was boring as hell and I was glad to pass the time chatting to anyone who had the time. One bloke must have spent two hours telling me about how he was being watched, how the security services had it in for him, how the police were corrupt etc. The bloke in question was pretty brown and pretty talkative. Only occurred to me a couple of years ago that I might have had a brush with fame.

I swear by the thin, pearly white ones for directing traffic like a Japanese policeman.