Bolt

I wouldn’t get any more done because within 10 minutes of unloading, the whole workforce would be too busy playing Robot wars.

A well dressed young lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at her for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businesswoman returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” She replies: ”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

JBH pretty much nailed it in my opinion.

maybe tap on ‘Sort by Date’?

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench. Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk. “Poor guy” the first doctor says “looks like he suffers debilitating back pain. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight - probably a forestry worker” The second doctor disagrees. “I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favouring his right side - I saw a similar patient last week who had wrecked his joints after years of tree climbing”. So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. They cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury. The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis, but in reality all three of us have misread my situation today. You wrongly thought it was my back….. and you wrongly thought it was my hip….. and I wrongly thought it was only a fart.”

A bra and two jump leads walk into a bar. The jump leads go sit down while the bra asks at the bar for 3 beers. "I'm not serving you! Replies the landlord “You're clearly off your tits, and your two pals over there look like they're about to start something”.

Two hunters were talking tall tales about sketchy situations they had got themselves into, when one remembered about a particular trip to Africa…. “I was out in the savanna hunting, and I became aware of something behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...I start running in order to escape but it was hopeless, with the lion getting closer and closer but just when I thought all was lost and I thought it was bound to get me, the lion just slipped and fell on the ground, buying me enough time to escape and reach safety.” Impressed, the second hunter then said “Wow, you must have balls of steel….. how the hell didn't you shit yourself mate?” To which the first hunter replied "what do you think the lion slipped on?"

Mike was going to be married to Rachel so his Father sat him down for a little man to man chat.. He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on’. Your mother did and she said to me that they were too big and she couldn’t wear them. I replied to her, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Rachel, “Here, try these on..!” She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don't fit me.” Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.” Then Rachel slipped off her knickers and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here, you try on mine!” Mike did and said, “I can't get into your knickers.” “Exactly” Rachel explained “And if you don't change your stupid smart-ass attitude, you never will.”

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar. After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?” A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”. With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”. The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”

A husband and wife are chatting over dinner.. Husband: “If I died would you date another man?” “Of course I would” she replies. ……. “But, Would you let him move in to our house?” Has asks, slightly taken aback. “Of course I would” she replies. “What! And let him sleep in our bed?” He says in disbelief “Of course I would” she replies. “But…. you surely wouldn’t you let him use my Golf Clubs?” He stammers, incredulous as to what he was hearing. “Oh, Definitely NOT. She replies. Relieved, he asks “Is that because they are personal to me?” “No” she says “It's because he’s left handed...”

I do think all of this is purely academic, as there is a healthy chance that Dorset321 is one of those who post a single question, then merge back into the ether.

I’m not aware of an actual responsibility for the council to advise the owner at the same time that they reply to the applicant.

I don’t believe anyone has the responsibility to inform the owner of a tree that an application has been submitted.

A plane crashes on a desert island and the only two survivors are some bloke called Dave and Scarlett Johansson. After many long lonely nights together on the island they fall deeply in love and start having the best time together but Scarlett notices a deep sadness in Dave's eyes. She tries talking to him about it but he cannot bring himself to talk about it. Months go by and Scarlett sits down at the fire and explains to Dave that she has never loved anyone more than him and is desperate to make him happy. With some trepidation Dave asks Scarlett if she can wear an old shirt and shorts that he's found and draw on a moustache with charcoal from the fire. Scarlet leaves camp one night, gets dressed in the ragged salt stained clothes and draws on the fake facial hair and then walks back towards the camp fire. Daves's face instantly lights up as she enters the clearing, he jumps up from his seat and runs over to her "Dude! You'll never guess who I've been having sex with!!!"

I stupidly used to think trips to the chiropractor were unnecessarily expensive and just didn't work, however, now I stand corrected.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at the traffic lights next to a Rolls-Royce... The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have Wi-Fi." The driver of the Kia says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Kia says, "That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Yes, I have a television, a Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Kia says, "That's a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Kia!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away. He went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up his car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So, the driver of the Rolls drove around all day looking for the Kia... Finally, late that night, he finds the Kia parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out of his car and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first there is no answer, then the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls said arrogantly. The driver of the Kia says... "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night. After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they set off for the honeymoon in a horse and trap. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further. “That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further. “That’s two.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further. “Alright - that’s three!” Said the wife angrily. She stepped out of their trop, grabbed a shotgun and shot the horse dead “Hold on!” The husband said. “What the hell do you think you are doing woman? We are twenty miles from home with no way back, and that was an heartless act of sheer cruelty!” The wife looked at her new husband and said: “That’s one.”

My girlfriend was telling me about an innuendo contest. So I entered her.

I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too, Czech one too

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him." The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap ol’ foggy again.

PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel A REALIST sees a freight train The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

It would probably be spiked if it was bought in the commons.

It’s hard to believe it’s been over 25 years since the world ended on the eve of Y2K.

When you’re a good boy, but your mates get you into some sketchy sh!t.

The penis is important, but I would imagine you really need to lose the balls as well.