Bolt

What kind of Crap question is that?

This is about my limit:

Bless her - so engaged, kids are great at that age. My kids are all mid-teens and mid-twenties now….. those are great ages also. If you dislike wallpapering, be sure to never try plastering!

It certainly more than leant a fairway over.

I know what you mean, the most exhausting bit of crane jobs like that is singing Miley Cyres’ Wrecking Ball at opportune moments. Well, it’s exhausting for the poor sods who have to listen, anyway.

I’m sure they putt it back.

You can tell it’s cubism because it’s cutting edge design.

We were doing a tidy up job once for Western Power, and we were told we could go home once the petrol had run out….. maybe it’s that. 🤔

Maybe sawdust was easier than rings to get out of the garden. Especially as 23% of it probably lodged in the climbers pants.

Wow, he clearly uses the same speech writer that I use.

A farmer took his truck to the mechanic to get it fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is at the end of that road….. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk with the old girl after following her advice. On the way, he said, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this footpath. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get amongst the trees, you won't hold me up against a tree, and have your way with me?" Shocked, the farmer responded, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a tin of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against an tree and do that?" "Set the goose down,” The old lady replied, “cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket…. and I'll have to hold the chickens."

A penguin notices his Land Rover is leaking fluid, and being new to motoring, takes it to the closest garage. The mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Mr Whippy van, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his truck, the mechanic looks up, laughs, and says, "Forget the Land Rover, now it looks like it’s you that’s blown a seal." "Not this time” The penguin replies, “it's just ice cream."

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon. It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon."

I can get it safely back on track with a tale of a young lad who went to the corner shop to pick up a big box of Ariel Automatic. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some Haribo. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died." the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "you may be right, but I don't think it was the detergent that did for him…. It was more than likely the spin cycle”.

It’s all chatbots and AI these days….. Apparently AI will kill us all with Machiavellian intent, but in reality I reckon it will destroy us all with its utter crapness. That being said, my local GP now has an AI option where you can literally walk in to the surgery without an appointment and get a diagnosis. I wasn’t too sure about it, but just before Christmas, having hurt my arm, the Mrs persuaded me to give it a go. I went in, and the receptionist said to just supply a sample of my urine and put it in the machine I honestly thought this could never work for an arm injury, so to prove its fallibility I did a sample and put it in the machine. A minute later a message appears. 'You have a small fracture in your right ulna. Place your arm in the machine and it will be provided with a cast. Take the medication provided and come back in two weeks to provide a urine sample. Be more careful in future' To say I was shocked was an understatement! Gotta say though, that the bots ‘bedside manner’ was a bit lacking. Two weeks later I provided another urine sample. 'Your arm is healing, but you have missed two medications. Please comply to stop wasting valuable medical resources. Come back in two weeks and provide a urine sample.' I was a bit indignant at being lectured by a machine so two weeks later, I got my wife to provide a urine sample. Then I jacked off into it for good measure. Following processing the sample, the message read. Your wife is pregnant. The father is your friend Rick. And stop masturbating or that arm will never get better.

… and possibly not so gifted with the writing either.

An Airbus is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight you got there isn’t it?……Now have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that? “Very impressive” the Airbus pilot answers: "but watch this!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. He’s watching but it continues to fly straight, at the same speed and at the same altitude. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that? Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?" The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the shitter, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Donald Trump is visiting a school In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence. One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy." "No," Trump responds. "You're close, but that isn't a tragedy. That is what we would call a great loss." A few seconds later, a boy raises his hand and says, "What about if my friend was at a farm, and a farmer drove over him with a tractor? That would be a tragedy." "No," Trump repeats. "That is what we would call an accident, not a tragedy. Anyone else?" The entire class is stumped for a while. Then, finally, another boy raises his hand and says, "I might know what a tragedy would be! If Donald Trump was flying in his private jet and got hit by a missile, that may be a tragedy." "That would definitely be a tragedy" Trump says, pleased. "Now, can you tell the class why, exactly, that would be a tragedy?" "Well," The boy replies. "Maybe it wouldn't be a great loss, and probably it wouldn't be an accident either."

I wouldn’t get any more done because within 10 minutes of unloading, the whole workforce would be too busy playing Robot wars.

A well dressed young lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at her for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businesswoman returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” She replies: ”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

JBH pretty much nailed it in my opinion.

maybe tap on ‘Sort by Date’?

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench. Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk. “Poor guy” the first doctor says “looks like he suffers debilitating back pain. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight - probably a forestry worker” The second doctor disagrees. “I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favouring his right side - I saw a similar patient last week who had wrecked his joints after years of tree climbing”. So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. They cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury. The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis, but in reality all three of us have misread my situation today. You wrongly thought it was my back….. and you wrongly thought it was my hip….. and I wrongly thought it was only a fart.”