Bolt

A penguin notices his Land Rover is leaking fluid, and being new to motoring, takes it to the closest garage. The mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Mr Whippy van, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his truck, the mechanic looks up, laughs, and says, "Forget the Land Rover, now it looks like it’s you that’s blown a seal." "Not this time” The penguin replies, “it's just ice cream."

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon. It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I just use the spoon."

I can get it safely back on track with a tale of a young lad who went to the corner shop to pick up a big box of Ariel Automatic. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some Haribo. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died." the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "you may be right, but I don't think it was the detergent that did for him…. It was more than likely the spin cycle”.

It’s all chatbots and AI these days….. Apparently AI will kill us all with Machiavellian intent, but in reality I reckon it will destroy us all with its utter crapness. That being said, my local GP now has an AI option where you can literally walk in to the surgery without an appointment and get a diagnosis. I wasn’t too sure about it, but just before Christmas, having hurt my arm, the Mrs persuaded me to give it a go. I went in, and the receptionist said to just supply a sample of my urine and put it in the machine I honestly thought this could never work for an arm injury, so to prove its fallibility I did a sample and put it in the machine. A minute later a message appears. 'You have a small fracture in your right ulna. Place your arm in the machine and it will be provided with a cast. Take the medication provided and come back in two weeks to provide a urine sample. Be more careful in future' To say I was shocked was an understatement! Gotta say though, that the bots ‘bedside manner’ was a bit lacking. Two weeks later I provided another urine sample. 'Your arm is healing, but you have missed two medications. Please comply to stop wasting valuable medical resources. Come back in two weeks and provide a urine sample.' I was a bit indignant at being lectured by a machine so two weeks later, I got my wife to provide a urine sample. Then I jacked off into it for good measure. Following processing the sample, the message read. Your wife is pregnant. The father is your friend Rick. And stop masturbating or that arm will never get better.

… and possibly not so gifted with the writing either.

An Airbus is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight you got there isn’t it?……Now have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that? “Very impressive” the Airbus pilot answers: "but watch this!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. He’s watching but it continues to fly straight, at the same speed and at the same altitude. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that? Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?" The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the shitter, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Donald Trump is visiting a school In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence. One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy." "No," Trump responds. "You're close, but that isn't a tragedy. That is what we would call a great loss." A few seconds later, a boy raises his hand and says, "What about if my friend was at a farm, and a farmer drove over him with a tractor? That would be a tragedy." "No," Trump repeats. "That is what we would call an accident, not a tragedy. Anyone else?" The entire class is stumped for a while. Then, finally, another boy raises his hand and says, "I might know what a tragedy would be! If Donald Trump was flying in his private jet and got hit by a missile, that may be a tragedy." "That would definitely be a tragedy" Trump says, pleased. "Now, can you tell the class why, exactly, that would be a tragedy?" "Well," The boy replies. "Maybe it wouldn't be a great loss, and probably it wouldn't be an accident either."

I wouldn’t get any more done because within 10 minutes of unloading, the whole workforce would be too busy playing Robot wars.

A well dressed young lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at her for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the businesswoman returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” She replies: ”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

JBH pretty much nailed it in my opinion.

maybe tap on ‘Sort by Date’?

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench. Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk. “Poor guy” the first doctor says “looks like he suffers debilitating back pain. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight - probably a forestry worker” The second doctor disagrees. “I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favouring his right side - I saw a similar patient last week who had wrecked his joints after years of tree climbing”. So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. They cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury. The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis, but in reality all three of us have misread my situation today. You wrongly thought it was my back….. and you wrongly thought it was my hip….. and I wrongly thought it was only a fart.”

A bra and two jump leads walk into a bar. The jump leads go sit down while the bra asks at the bar for 3 beers. "I'm not serving you! Replies the landlord “You're clearly off your tits, and your two pals over there look like they're about to start something”.

Two hunters were talking tall tales about sketchy situations they had got themselves into, when one remembered about a particular trip to Africa…. “I was out in the savanna hunting, and I became aware of something behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...I start running in order to escape but it was hopeless, with the lion getting closer and closer but just when I thought all was lost and I thought it was bound to get me, the lion just slipped and fell on the ground, buying me enough time to escape and reach safety.” Impressed, the second hunter then said “Wow, you must have balls of steel….. how the hell didn't you shit yourself mate?” To which the first hunter replied "what do you think the lion slipped on?"

Mike was going to be married to Rachel so his Father sat him down for a little man to man chat.. He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on’. Your mother did and she said to me that they were too big and she couldn’t wear them. I replied to her, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Rachel, “Here, try these on..!” She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don't fit me.” Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.” Then Rachel slipped off her knickers and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here, you try on mine!” Mike did and said, “I can't get into your knickers.” “Exactly” Rachel explained “And if you don't change your stupid smart-ass attitude, you never will.”

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar. After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?” A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”. With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”. The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”

A husband and wife are chatting over dinner.. Husband: “If I died would you date another man?” “Of course I would” she replies. ……. “But, Would you let him move in to our house?” Has asks, slightly taken aback. “Of course I would” she replies. “What! And let him sleep in our bed?” He says in disbelief “Of course I would” she replies. “But…. you surely wouldn’t you let him use my Golf Clubs?” He stammers, incredulous as to what he was hearing. “Oh, Definitely NOT. She replies. Relieved, he asks “Is that because they are personal to me?” “No” she says “It's because he’s left handed...”

I do think all of this is purely academic, as there is a healthy chance that Dorset321 is one of those who post a single question, then merge back into the ether.

I’m not aware of an actual responsibility for the council to advise the owner at the same time that they reply to the applicant.

I don’t believe anyone has the responsibility to inform the owner of a tree that an application has been submitted.

A plane crashes on a desert island and the only two survivors are some bloke called Dave and Scarlett Johansson. After many long lonely nights together on the island they fall deeply in love and start having the best time together but Scarlett notices a deep sadness in Dave's eyes. She tries talking to him about it but he cannot bring himself to talk about it. Months go by and Scarlett sits down at the fire and explains to Dave that she has never loved anyone more than him and is desperate to make him happy. With some trepidation Dave asks Scarlett if she can wear an old shirt and shorts that he's found and draw on a moustache with charcoal from the fire. Scarlet leaves camp one night, gets dressed in the ragged salt stained clothes and draws on the fake facial hair and then walks back towards the camp fire. Daves's face instantly lights up as she enters the clearing, he jumps up from his seat and runs over to her "Dude! You'll never guess who I've been having sex with!!!"

I stupidly used to think trips to the chiropractor were unnecessarily expensive and just didn't work, however, now I stand corrected.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at the traffic lights next to a Rolls-Royce... The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have Wi-Fi." The driver of the Kia says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Kia says, "That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Yes, I have a television, a Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Kia says, "That's a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Kia!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away. He went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up his car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So, the driver of the Rolls drove around all day looking for the Kia... Finally, late that night, he finds the Kia parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out of his car and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first there is no answer, then the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls said arrogantly. The driver of the Kia says... "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night. After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they set off for the honeymoon in a horse and trap. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further. “That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further. “That’s two.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five miles, and stopped, refusing to go further. “Alright - that’s three!” Said the wife angrily. She stepped out of their trop, grabbed a shotgun and shot the horse dead “Hold on!” The husband said. “What the hell do you think you are doing woman? We are twenty miles from home with no way back, and that was an heartless act of sheer cruelty!” The wife looked at her new husband and said: “That’s one.”