Ideas to beat the credit crunch!

[Stuart A-C]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

 

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

DON’T buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

 

DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

 

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

 

SMOKERS, save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

 

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

 

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

 

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination, invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

 

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

 

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

 

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

 

SAVE electricity by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances.

 

DRIVERS, save money by putting much larger wheels on the back of your car. That way you will always be going downhill, thereby saving on fuel.

 

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

 

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

 

DOMESTOS is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

 

MAKE cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

 

CAN’T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

 

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

 

SAVE time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

 

AVOID losing expensive contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

 

EXTERIOR wood stain is a cheap, fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.

 

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

 

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

 

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

[Stephen Blair]

nice one mate.

[Mac McLennan]

nice one mate.

 

Quality ...that did make I larf

[johnty]

Jesus you have been board today, Very funny mate well done, LOL:001_tongue:

[Tommy_B]

Very good!!! I'm guessing there are hints of Viz's Top Tips in there somewhere!!!!

[welwell]

Used to love Top Tips, never failed to make me chuckle as did those. Good effort mate!!!

[Will Hinchliffe]

Ive decided to merge the two best ideas together and im of to bed with a condom full of angry wasps

[skyhuck]

Ive decided to merge the two best ideas together and im of to bed with a condom full of angry wasps

 

When you get to hospital ask them to take away the pain, but leave the swelling

[Buzz]

Copied and pasted from the governments 'recession plan' i reckon !

 

I actually did the toothpaste thing when i was a kid lol

[old snake]

Awesome,not sure wot the missus will make of the frozen peas and wasps but shes always saying we need to try new things,haha