Jokes???

[Chris Gagen]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got Allsorts.......

[PeteB]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

 

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

 

 

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

 

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

 

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

 

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

 

'I am a Man United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

 

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man United fan?'

 

'Because my mum is a Man United fan, and my dad is a Man United fan, so I'm a Man United fan too!'

 

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man United fan.

 

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..

 

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

 

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

[PeteB]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead.

 

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

 

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

 

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

 

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

 

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

 

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

 

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

 

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

 

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

 

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

 

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

 

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

 

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

[PeteB]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

 

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

 

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

 

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

[PeteB]

Guy comes home from work and says to his wife "get me a beer before it starts".... so she gets him a beer.

 

He drinks it and says to her "quick, get me another beer before it starts"....... so she gets him another one.

 

He drinks that one and says "get me one more before it starts".........

 

Wife says "listen here you fat lazy prat, you walk in here and start barking your orders and......"

 

Guy says "Bugger me its started.........."

[Mark J]

There's this big 7 foot tall - built like a barn door bloke sitting in the bar on the docks in birkenhead, necking pint after pint. A while later a very effeminate guy comes in and sits on the stool next to him. After a few more pints he leans across to the massive scouser and says 'here mate, fancy a job?' At which point, the scouser wheels around with fire in his eyes, kick's the other guy off his stool, drags him into the car park and leathers him. He goes back into the bar, sit's back on his stool and gets back into drinking. After a while the barman says 'ere mate, I've seen you in here before and you've never said boo to a mouse, what did he say to you?' And the guy replies 'dunno mate, something about a job.'

Edited November 26, 2011 by Stephen Blair

[Big J]

I just gave the postman a fright by going to the door naked.

I'm not sure which shocked him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived.

 

My doctor's diagnosed me as being paranoid.

He didn't actually say it, but I know that's what he was thinking.

 

He thinks I've got CDO as well.

He called it OCD, but I think it looks better with the letters arranged in alphabetical order.

 

I was in the pub tonight when I heard a commotion at the other end of the bar.

A friend pushed his way out of the crowd and said "You've got to help, I've got two girls fighting over me"

"So what's the problem ?" I asked

"The fat one's winning"

 

I was speaking to an ornithologist the other day who saying extra rain in the summer caused by climate change was stopping Owls being able to attract a mate. Apparently it's too wet to woo.

 

I had an argument with a lollipop lady this morning.

She made me cross.

[oldwoodcutter]

Irish working mens club went on a mystery tour,they had a sweepstake to guess where they were going.

The driver won £68.

[Mark J]

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

 

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

 

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

 

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

[PeteB]

I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers when the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs...