Jokes???

[tommer9]

Duz thoo speak Yawkshire?

 

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to a vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thoo about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Naw, I've browt it with us."

......................................................................................

A Yorkshire man’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can thoo mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!"

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A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

...................................................................................

 

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Noo then lad, does thoo sell AR se cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

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Plus.......................

 

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a French guy, an English bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

 

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

 

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the French guy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

 

The old lady thinks:

The French guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

 

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:

That French guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

 

The French guy thinks:

That English bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark - she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

 

And the English bloke thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that French bastard again!!

[tommer9]

An old nun

who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers

and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

 

She decided she would take her lunch;

sit with the workers; and talk with them.

 

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

 

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:

"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

 

They shook their heads and looked at each other... very confused.

 

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

 

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

 

The worker yelled back,

"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

[oldwoodcutter]

Young fella who'd lost his licsence was hitch-hiking to his girlfriends house when a superbike pulls up.

Of course he had no helmet,but was wearing a baseball cap as they do.The biker suggested he turn it back to front to stop it blowing off.

After a few miles at the roundabout he realised his pillion had come off,so went back to find him in the middle of the road with some good samaratins giving some attention.

He was shouting and howling and crying for his mum.Enquiring as to the young gentlemans injuries,was told "he was sniffling a lot when first came across him,but realy started moaning when we turned his head the right way round"

[treesnake]

An englishman, scotsman, irishman, welshman, frenchman, a latvian, a turk, an aussie, a yank, an egyptian, a jap, a mexican, a spaniard, a greek, a russian, an estonian, a german, an italian, a pole, a lithuanian, a swede, a finn, an isreali, a romanian, a bulgarian, a serb, a czech & a swiss went to the pub. The doorman sez "I can't let u in without a Thai"

[Lorry thompson]

Have you tried them new helicopter crisps?……… better than plane:001_rolleyes:

[The tree monkey]

sorry mate near wet myself when i heard that joke! was told to me by an irishman though, does that make it ok!! lol!

[scottythepinetree]

Ok anyway mate... tell you a few more on May 7th!!

[PeteB]

How Do You Define Handsome?

 

 

 

A test at an Durham City High school in North Carolina, required students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

 

 

The girl named Lateshia says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's snake, my jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."

 

 

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye!

[Dave Martin]

A Chinese mate of mine had a girlfriend called Lorraine but he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.

 

Unfortunately Lorraine died.

 

At her funeral he stood up and sang

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

[treesnake]

Man hires chinese private investigator Chen Lee, to watch his wife.

A few days later he gets this report: Most honorable sir,

I watch house.

U leave house.

He came to house.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she go hotel.

I climb tree and look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip.

She strip.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

I fall out tree.

I not see.

No fee.

Chen Lee.

Weely Sollee.