Jokes???

[felixthelogchopper]

[felixthelogchopper]

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample."

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"

The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."

[Paul Cleaver]

On 06/09/2019 at 08:37, se7enthdevil said:

always loved al murray.

 

 

Saw him live a couple of yrs ago, really funny. Not the sort of comedian you go to the toilet through his show

[Rich Rule]

One day in class the teacher walked to the black board and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding none that looked guilty, she quickly erased it and began her class.
The next day she entered the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher quickly erased it again and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, written larger than the previous day.
Finally, one day, she walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrawled in its place:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[roboted]

 

[Rich Rule]

A young girl begs her mam for a pet. His dad thinks long a hard. A dog  would be hard work, he doesn’t like cats, his wife doesn’t like birds he  was a bit stuck but said they’d go to the pet shop and have a look.  Once at the shop pet shop owner says he has just the pet, a hamster.  They don’t live long, easy to look after & are cheap. The girl is  very excited with the idea so the dad agrees. 
 While the girl looks at cages the pet shop owner takes the dad to one side & shows him two  different types of hamster. “There’s these for £5 or for £3 more you  can have one of these”. “What’s the difference?” Asks the dad. “Well, as  you know hamsters only last a few years but if you get one of these you  can make jam from it afterwards” said the pet shop owner, then  proceeded to give cooking instructions. The man agrees & buys his  son an £8 hamster.
 Life went well but then in a few years the  hamster died. Whilst the girl was in school the dad thought about what  the pet shop owner had said & thought he’d give the jam a go. He put  the hamster in a pan with a load of sugar & a bit of water,  simmered it for ages then put the resultant “jam” in jars feeling  chuffed with his efforts. The next morning he thought he’d try some of  the jam on toast. He spread it on thick & took a bit bite. It was  disgusting, as he retched he threw the whole jar & his toast  straight out the kitchen window where it smashed in a stone in his  flowerbed.
 He thought nothing more of it until a week later he  looked out if his window & saw a whole host of gorgeous daffodils.  They took his breath away & he couldn’t explain them. He went to the  pet shop later that day & explained everything to the pet shop  owner. The man recognised him & listened well but then when the dad  had finished looked all confused & said
  “that’s strange, normally you only get tulips from hamster jam!”

[topchippyles]

MEAL FOR ONE 

 

 

[s o c]

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

Visit to veterinarians practice this morning - saw this poster in the examining room and thought.....

 

If you switch “Sharon” for “Sajid”, that’d be quite funny. 

 

Myself & vet thought so - the dog wasn’t quite as obliging though ?