Jokes???

[Rich Rule]

Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread in the supermarket yesterday but when I looked closer it actually said Thick Cut

[Rich Rule]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer! I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day!

 

I’ll just get my coat!

[TIMON]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer! I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day!
 
I’ll just get my coat!

Left over Christmas crackers Rich?......

[TIMON]

[eggsarascal]

18 minutes ago, Rich Rule said:

Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread in the supermarket yesterday but when I looked closer it actually said Thick Cut

It's an oldie, but goldie.

[oldwoodcutter]

One for the intellectuals on here, what have Attila the Hun and Henry the 8th got in common?

They both have The as a middle name .

[Big J]

18 minutes ago, oldwoodcutter said:

One for the intellectuals on here, what have Attila the Hun and Henry the 8th got in common?

They both have The as a middle name .

I'm looking for a groan emoji but can't find one! ?

[Ratman]

*Slips of the Tongue*

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[westphalian]

[Ratman]

“Why I'm divorced." Written by a man.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there ....

on the sofa ....

naked!!!