Jokes???

[peds]

1 hour ago, Big J said:

Just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas. 

 

It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.

I'll be desperately trying to squeeze that into every conversation for the next two weeks, thanks.

[Big J]

14 minutes ago, peds said:

I'll be desperately trying to squeeze that into every conversation for the next two weeks, thanks.

It's only because she bloody lost the last one. That woman is footloose and fancy free I tell you!

[Rough Hewn]

TWO HUNTERS

Paddy and Mick, got a pilot to fly them to northern Canada where they could hunt Moose.
They managed to bag six Moose. But as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose.
The two lads objected strongly, “Last year we got six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six Moose were loaded.
However, on take-off, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing into the wilderness.
Somehow, Paddy and Mick survived the crash, and climbed out of the wreckage.
Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
“I think we are pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

[petercb]

It's only because she bloody lost the last one. That woman is footloose and fancy free I tell you!

I suppose next you'll be telling us she drinks too much and ends up legless!

[Dan Maynard]

... and when they argue about why she keeps losing them she hasn't got a leg to stand on.

[Billhook]

Did she ask for a leg up when decorating the top of the Christmas tree?

[Ratman]

Murphy asks Paddy:
"Why you talking into that envelope?"

Paddy replies:
"I'm sending a voicemail, Ya feckin eejit"

[Rough Hewn]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
[emoji12][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]

[Rough Hewn]

Cleanest smut I've read in ages.
[emoji12][emoji106]

[Mark Bolam]

On 14/12/2018 at 22:17, Rough Hewn said:

TWO HUNTERS

Paddy and Mick, got a pilot to fly them to northern Canada where they could hunt Moose.
They managed to bag six Moose. But as they were loading the plane, the pilot said he could carry only four Moose.
The two lads objected strongly, “Last year we got six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six Moose were loaded.
However, on take-off, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down, crashing into the wilderness.
Somehow, Paddy and Mick survived the crash, and climbed out of the wreckage.
Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
“I think we are pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Belter!