Jokes???

[Paul Smith]

The Englishman in France

 

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

 

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

 

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

 

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

 

The Englishman listens in silence.

 

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

 

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

 

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

 

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England.'

 

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

 

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

 

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

 

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

 

Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

[Tommy_B]

A plane sits on the runway as the passenger wait for the captain to get on. The passengers look out the window and see the captain and co-pilot walking very slowly with white canes and guide dogs towards the plane. All the passengers laugh nervously as the plane starts to slowly taxi to the end on the runway. The passengers are getting slightly nervous as the plane gathers speed untill 200ft from the end of the runway, the passengers all scream and the plane pulls up sharply. All of a sudden the plane is in the air and all the holiday makers are cheering and hugging each other.

 

Up in the cockpit the captain turns to the co-pilot and says "One of these days they're not gonna scream and we aren't gonna make it!!"

[lumberjack2]

two penguins sat in the bath..

one says "can you pass the soap"

 

the other says "ohh my god a talking penguin"

 

haha nice one:up:

[THE88MAN]

with all this wet weather lately i needed cheering up so i put the vcr on and played my wedding video backwards

[dazlog]

2 Essex blondes,1 said 2 the other`Wots further,the moon or Florida?` the other blonde replies`Hello....can u c Florida....? `

[Big 'Ammer]

A couple are walking round the supermarket.

 

The man sees an offer in the drinks aisle

 

"2 crates of stella £10"

 

I'm having some of that he says and puts some in the trolley.

 

She says you can put that right back for a start! Don't you know moneys tight!

 

He begrudgingly puts the beer back on the shelf.

 

Further on in the shop she sees an offer

 

" 2 jars of Loreal only £10 "

 

She puts them in the trolley and he says hold on moneys tight what are you buying those for?

 

She relies " to make me more beautiful to you!"

 

He says..........

 

 

"What do think the bloody Stella was for?"

[ScottF]

How do you get a fat bird into bed?

 

Piece of cake.

[ScottF]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a Double Entendre, so the barman gives her one.

[Tommy_B]

English man a Scots man and an Irish man walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says "Is this some kind of joke??"

[mixedangased]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It ill nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?