Jokes???

[Bob Slade]

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.

The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.

Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

[Stubby]

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.

The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.

Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

 

Choice

[Bob Slade]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,

"I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right

credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.

Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years......you will NEVER

go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE

TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he

left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor

in

Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You

told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office; I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.

I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed

with another

agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed

check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke..

[eggsarascal]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,

"I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right

credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.

Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years......you will NEVER

go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE

TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he

left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor

in

Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You

told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office; I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.

I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed

with another

agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed

check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke..

 

Brilliant Bob.

[sloth]

I bought some new shoes from a drug dealer this morning. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day...

[Bob Slade]

The only way for a couple to enjoy an afternoon "quickie" with their 8year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a MARS Bar and tell him to report on the street activities...

He began.: "There's a car being towed away', "The Wilson's are shagging', Startled, his mum and dad sat up. Dad asks," how do you know they're shagging?" "Coz little Jimmy Wilson is on the balcony with a Mars Bar !"

[Darrin Turnbull]

Read this

 

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-merseyside-32513903

[Adam Bourne]

They say that masturbating can add years to your life.... If this is true then I must be immortal!!!

 

True story!

[Joe Newton]

They say that masturbating can add years to your life.... If this is true then I must be immortal!!!

 

True story!

 

 

Yup, 3-5 years if you get caught doing it in a library!

[Adam Bourne]

Yup, 3-5 years if you get caught doing it in a library!

 

 

Never been caught yet mate