Jokes???

[borris]

Jim Leslie, an elderly Scottish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

 

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Jim.

 

“Well," said Jim, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful,” said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

 

"That'll be me then," said Jim.

 

[Bob Slade]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled

high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into

the cart and asked, "So which six items would you like to buy?

[Bob Slade]

A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulled out a large syringe and was about to give him an anaesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said, "And I can't do the gas thing, just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

"What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."

[Bob Slade]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30

years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.

He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.He studied Economics

and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets

He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:

'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday

was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful

30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'*

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

lolol

[treesrus]

got back to the truck to find the groundie standing next to the trailer, chatting on his mobile, with a huge pile of brash and logs waiting to be loaded. i said to him, you know how some people give names to their cars, well, i have a name for my trailer - it's called Phil.....

[Woodworks]

lolol

 

:lol:

 

Not very PC and I love it.

[PeteB]

:lol:

 

Not very PC and I love it.

 

I saw a Muppet in town today and thought "must be local off of the estate".

[Mortimer Firewood]

lolol

 

:lol:

[sloth]

I dated a girl once with a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it I swear you could smell the ocean.