Jokes???

[ArthurBottlesworth]

Thatcherism, you have 10 cows one produces slightly more milk, so you knock down the cow shed and build a luxury one reward the higher yielding cow and to provide incentive for the rest you cut their feed. When the herd's yield drop, you label them work-shy and cut their food more

 

Conservative Party, you have two cows, one is owned by an aristocrat so he gets the exclusive right to supply the dairy, the hse raids the other producer and fine him so much he goes out of business and has to sell his cow. The auctioneer went to eton with the aristocrat and knocks it down to him at a bargain price. The business development guy for the local council is in the masons with the aristocrats farm manager and gets him a business development grant to develop his dairy. The aristocrat went to eton with editor of the bbc good food guide so he wins the prize for best free range farm in the UK. He gets exclusive contract to supply BBC at inflated prices and is plugged relentlessly by Hugh Fearnley wotsits who also went to Eton.

 

Original owner of cow is employed on minimum wage to prduce the milk, and manage the farm...he is the only one who ever goes on the farm

 

Aristocrat gets awards for business enterprise and development. He gets onto question time where the Dimbleby he was at eton with makes him look clever and knowedgeable......he is brought into cabinet as special advisor,

[oldwoodcutter]

Heard about the thai bride that got stuck in the somerset floods?

Had to be rescued when the water level reached her balls.

[arbogrunt]

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

 

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

 

 

 

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

 

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing

 

three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

 

 

 

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

 

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

 

 

 

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

 

 

 

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

 

 

 

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

 

 

 

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

 

 

 

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.

 

He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

 

 

 

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

 

 

 

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

 

 

 

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

 

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no eard

Edited February 27, 2014 by Stephen Blair

[arbogrunt]

best joke on here is some of you blokes thing there's a difference between the Conservative party and the Labour party...they are all posh twonks in the profession

 

of politics...same boy different haircut!

[geoff]

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

 

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

 

 

 

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

 

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing

 

three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

 

 

 

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

 

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

 

 

 

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

 

 

 

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

 

 

 

'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,

 

 

 

'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

 

 

 

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.

 

He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

 

 

 

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,

 

 

 

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

 

 

 

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'

 

'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no eard

 

[ArthurBottlesworth]

best joke on here is some of you blokes thing there's a difference between the Conservative party and the Labour party...they are all posh twonks in the profession

 

of politics...same boy different haircut!

 

Couldn't agree more ........

[Rich2484]

[PeteB]

 

Nice one! I'll remember that for a colleague or two!

[Sandworks]

i know them…… tried to pinch the gates off the avenue!!!!;-)

[Matthew Arnold]

Grammar is important.Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse,& helping your uncle jack off a horse.