Jokes???

[nepia]

I didn't even manage the 1st paragrpah without cracking up

 

He really was a commick genius:thumbup:

 

 

Likewise - exactly. Go told to shut up from the next room so she doesn't miss any East-flippin-enders.

 

Just brilliant but so simple when you think about it.

[tommer9]

Amazing simple home remedies : These really work!!

>

>

> 1.. To avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables, get someone else

> to hold the vegetables while you chop.

>

> 2. To avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat -

> use the sink.

>

> 3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed

> for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. [remember

> to use a timer.]

>

> 4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from

> rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

>

> 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives - you'll be

> afraid to cough.

>

> 6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it

> doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and

> does, use the duct tape..

>

> 7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

>

>

>

> daily thought:

> some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they

> bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

>

>

[Matthew Arnold]

Paddy's wife is watching a cookery programme on tv. Paddy says," why are you watching that? You cant cook". Wife says "well you watch porn".

[Matthew Arnold]

The Erectus trouserius or trouser snake is the world's most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It's fangless, average length 5-6 inches (although some are said to reach 8 inches depending on honesty of it's owner). I have one but its only a little one. It appears usually in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area. It's highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months!. Some mutant species are known to attack men from behind.

 

 

I apologise if this one is innapropriate it was sent to me by my dad. Delete if innapropriate.

[Frank]

(Yorkshire accent)

We never had pedophiles when I were a lad...... We had to buy our own sweets.

[Stephen Blair]

I came down the stairs this morning and found my wife lying face down in a pool of blood in the living room, a horrible cold feeling came all over me and i started to panick, then i remembered Mc Donolds do 24 hour All day Breakfasts:thumbup:

[Frank]

I came down the stairs this morning and found my wife lying face down in a pool of blood in the living room, a horrible cold feeling came all over me and i started to panick, then i remembered Mc Donolds do 24 hour All day Breakfasts:thumbup:

 

I wondered where that was going. Haha.

[ScotClayShooter]

In the village of Hurbum Herts near Tillet Town, lives Lucy Lykes who owns the Cockwell Inn: The address is Lucy Lykes ,The Cockwell Inn, Hurbum, Tillet, Herts.

[ScotClayShooter]

Divers Dilemma

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Work doesnt seem so bad now!

Subject: Divers dilemma

For all of you who are having a bad day, here is something to cheer you up...it's a crack up!

Next time you have a bad day at work... Think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Perth, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's notso bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'. This $20,000 pieceof equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, whichis taped to the side of the suit. I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my a*se started to burn. Ipulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was already done. In agony I realised what had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my a*se was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my a*se.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical laughter. I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water compression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, Iwas wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tubeof cream and told me to rub it on my a*se as soon as I got into thechamber.

Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my *rse was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bottom.Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

[Matthew Arnold]

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1 - Innovative

2 - Preliminary

3 - Proliferation

4 - Cinnamon

 

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

1 - Specifity

2 - Anticontitutionalistically

3 - Passive agressive disorder

4 - Transubstantiate

 

Things that are down right impossible to say when drunk

1 -No thanks, I'm married

2 - Nope, no more booze for me

3 - Sorry, but your not really my type

4 - No i don't want to see your fanny

5 - No my cocks fine as it is i don't want you to suck it

6 - No please don't sit on my face i have asthma.