Jokes???

[p-hardy]

ever notice that 'Female' is just male, with the symbol for iron (Fe) in front of it?

[RobRainford]

ever notice that 'Female' is just male, with the symbol for iron (Fe) in front of it?

 

how Ironic!

 

 

ill get my coat....

[Tyz05]

I asked my blonde girlfriend, "Can you take the day off tomorrow?".She looked at me with a puzzled face and replies,"Mon"?

[Tyz05]

I went to see the doctor. He asked me if I'd ever given myself a prostate examination.

 

I replied, "Not deliberately, but the wife always buys cheap toilet roll."

[Martyn Amos]

took my son for his 1st pint!

got him a stella,he didnt like it so i drunk it?

got him a carlsberg,he didnt like that so i drunk it?

same with guinness and cider,he didnt like them so i drunk them

by the time we got down to the whiskeys,i could hardly push his pram!

[skyhuck]

took my son for his 1st pint!

got him a stella,he didnt like it so i drunk it?

got him a carlsberg,he didnt like that so i drunk it?

same with guinness and cider,he didnt like them so i drunk them

by the time we got down to the whiskeys,i could hardly push his pram!

 

Hehe!! I like that one!!

[p-hardy]

My wife asked me if we can have something more 'Christmassy' on the television.

So I put fifa on and played in snowy conditions

[p-hardy]

Drinking beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean....

 

Against bars, tables and doors

[PeteB]

Fairy liquid have updated their TV commercials to reflect modern England

 

“Mummy why are your hands so soft?”

 

“Cos I’m only fourteen innit, now shut the Hell up and eat your pot noodle before your dad gets home from school”

[slasherscot]

Hurricane Appeal - Please give generously !

 

Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental..., man no?"

 

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

 

Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.

 

Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .

 

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little bairn Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser then thet".

 

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of

 

 

Walker's Crisps to the area to help stricken locals..

 

Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

 

Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were..

 

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".

 

Poundland has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services like Burger King will reopen as soon as possible.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

 

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

 

Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) preferably with a silly slogan on the front, Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti and baked beans, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Tenants Super lager and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue or hairspray. Oh and Golden Virginia and Rizla papers.

 

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue , whit's it got to dae wi' you ya fudd?"