Jokes???

[sloth]

What do you do if you think your neighbour stole your gate?

 

Nothing, they may take a fence!

[Lorry thompson]

What do you do if you think your neighbour stole your gate?

 

Nothing, they may take a fence!

 

Like it:thumbup:

[Matthew Arnold]

Somewhere there's a poor bloke called Colin Wanker who has to live with the fact his name is an anagram of Neil Warnock.

[sloth]

My friend like to mess around on boats, but he goes overboard sometimes.Quasimodo. That name rings a bell.Albino. You can't say fairer than that.You've got to take your hat off to hair-dressers.You've got to hand it to muggers...I've just got a job as a waiter. It doesn't pay very well, but I put food on the table.Just got a job as a postman. Money's ****, but it keeps me off the streets.My girlfriend was boasting about how good her choice of san tan cream was. I told her not to rub it in.I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes. Things are looking up.I've applied to work at a mirror shop. I hope I get it, I can really see myself working there.I've decided to break up with my blow up doll. I'm going to let her down gently.I know a lot of jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.My new book I wrote on Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.I fell asleep on a dingy. I just drifted off.I once knew a farmer who did heroin, but he was never caught. The police said that proving it would be like finding a needle in a haystack.Stampedes.... if you don't stand up foryourself, they'll walk all over you.I've been scratching my head all day trying to figure out how I managed to get head lice.I threw out my hoover last week. It was just gathering dust.I dont own a telescope, but its something Im thinking of looking into.Due to inflation, balloons are going up.Me and my best friend reverse our cars everywhere together.We go back a long way.I could talk about asphyxiation till I'm blue in the face.Since starting my new gardening tool business I've been raking it in.Gran's always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach... I just can't believe she fell for it.I've just returned from outer space. I took a book to read while I was up there.Couldn't put it down.This morning I was woken up by an ice cream van outside my house. I opened my window and told him to **** off.He quickly changed his tune.I always win at Twister, hands DownMy mate was raising money for charity and told me he'd entered me in the 1500m.I nearly ran a mile.Dont tease fat kids, they alreadyhave enough on their plate.So what if I can't spell armaggedon? It's not the end of the world.I got a new roof fitted for free the other day. It's on the house.If you can't decide whether to run in the marathon or the hundred metres you should probably choose the marathon.You'll be better off in the long run.An annoying man asked me for directions the other day. I told him where to go.

All off the top of your head? Surely not!

[Lorry thompson]

Haha no way mate I struggle to remember my name sometimes.

[tommer9]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

 

 

 

 

 

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,

 

I don't know what it is.'

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

 

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

 

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially... They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

 

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.

 

'Go get your Mother.'

[Lorry thompson]

Haha good one mate. Just noticed your signature have you seen fear and loathing in last Vegas?

[DN22 Gardening]

well, i can honestly say i've never sat in one place, read 30 odd pages of text, laughed so much, and been told to "SSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH" so many times...

 

my eyes are sore i've laughed so much

[RobRainford]

I always get complaints from my neighbours because I always walk about my garden wearing only my boxers.

 

I don't see what the problem is, I think they make a lovely hat.

[bumble B]

An aeroplane has just arrived at New York airport from London.

The captain has just done his speech to the passengers and has forgotten to turn the mic off.

His co-pilot says "Jim what's the first thing you are going to do in New York"?

Jim says "first I will have that massive **** I have been holding in since half way across the Atlantic, then I will shag that new air hostess with the big tits"!

The new hostess and all the passengers heard this, the hostess goes steaming towards the cockpit to confront the captain but trips over an old lady's hand luggage which sends her flying.

The old lady leans forward and says to the stewardess "There's no need to rush dear, he has to have a massive **** first"!