Jokes???

[chaffey]

Paddy met a bird in a pub last night and ended up taking her back to his place. After a few more drinks they started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa. She looked at him and said "lets take this thing upstairs". Paddy said "ok you grab one end and i'll take the other"!!

[dave fox]

the mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number fishnets and high heels. she handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down,relax and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she dose best'....i cant wait . i bloody love sheperds pie!

[Kev Stephenson]

Banned from Sainsbury's, didn't like shopping there anyway

 

 

Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think I had - an elephant?

 

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

[Stephen Blair]

the mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number fishnets and high heels. she handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down,relax and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she dose best'....i cant wait . i bloody love sheperds pie!

 

[Tree Man Tom]

I was getting my balls sucked by a Sainsbury's checkout girl last night. Unfortunately she started to gag when she swallowed a pube! She didn't find it at all amusing that instead of assisting her I just said "unexpected item in the bagging area."!!!

[chaffey]

Ha ha ha i loved the dog food diet one it made me laugh so much i was crying!! Best joke i've read for ages.

[Mark J]

So, this baby seal walks into a club...

[felixthelogchopper]

Got home last night to find all the doors and windows hanging off and everything gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What sort of git does that to somebody's advent calendar?

[Bob Slade]

Bloke watching TV when his wife came in and said " i just fell down the stairs, gidnt you hear me..?

Husband says " Sorry love i thought it was the start of Eastenders"

[nepia]

If you shake your head from side to side while saying the word 'gullible' it sounds like 'orange'.