Jokes???

[Mesterh]

8 hours ago, Logdaft said:

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me ..... then plug me back in & see if that works!

Brilliant!

Many an IT bloke has bought his second Ferrari on that little trick.

 

My capacity for joke telling is zero which is not surprisingly on par with memory capacity! 

[Mark Bolam]

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fucking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

[Mesterh]

Ace!!

[doobin]

Oldie but a goodie! 

[Rough Hewn]

Jurgen Klopp flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi boy play football. Kloppy is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left, Klopp gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the lad comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' screams his mum, 'it's your fucking fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] Sending this to all my Liverpool mates [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[Logdaft]

[Mark Bolam]

[Ratman]

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???




OH, come on... Take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!





Everyone knows..




You can't kill Two Birds




With


OneStone !!

[Ratman]