Jokes???

[Ratman]

[eggsarascal]

Job Centre.......

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up  
to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to
drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The
hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort
the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is
£200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it".

[djbobbins]

Not sure if I’ve posted this before, but something made it cross my mind today...


What’s the difference between a dog and a fox?



About 8 pints, normally!

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[eggsarascal]

On 18/11/2018 at 21:05, eggsarascal said:

Two businessmen in the centre of Weybridge Surrey were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened, new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,

"Must be doing well... Only two left."

 

 

[Ratman]

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because that dogs a fucking liar, he's never been out of the garden!”

[eggsarascal]

[Ratman]

Youve still got it! ?

[billpierce]

Wish it were a joke

[billpierce]

Possible been on before