Jokes???

[PeteB]

What is the difference between chickpea and lentils?

 

I certainly wouldn't pay £250 to have a lentil on my face!

[WeeDee]

The Grim Reaper paid me a visit last night.

 

I successfully fought him off with the nearest thing to hand - the vacuum cleaner.

 

Guess you could say I was Dyson with Death ......

[RobRainford]

An argument with a woman is like reading the small print on a License agreement.

 

You just ignore everything and tick I agree.

[Andrew Gale]

A guy walks into a pub, sits at the bar and takes a handful of nuts from the bowl whilst he waits for the barman; then he hears a voice, "That shirts looks nice on you"

 

He turns around and no ones there; he turns back to the bar and hears the voice again "That's a really nice jacket, really suits the shirt you're wearing"

 

He turns around again and nothing, no one there. At this point the barman walks over, "Good evening sir, what can I get you", to which the guy replies, "Did you hear a voice? He said my shirt and jacket were nice".

 

"Ah" the barman said, "that'll be the nuts, they're complementary.........."

[Bob Slade]

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

 

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

[arbogrunt]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all his

own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his

mailbox.

 

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to

the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation

with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye

contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go

to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned

against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked,

'It's got to be your ears.'

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?''

Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.

I have a 28 inch waist.

Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.......

that was me.....'

[Bob Slade]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.

So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she

says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!"

[Bob Slade]

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.

I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.

[Bob Slade]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[aspenarb]

Burying a goldfish