PeteB

Guy comes home from work and says to his wife "get me a beer before it starts".... so she gets him a beer. He drinks it and says to her "quick, get me another beer before it starts"....... so she gets him another one. He drinks that one and says "get me one more before it starts"......... Wife says "listen here you fat lazy prat, you walk in here and start barking your orders and......" Guy says "Bugger me its started.........."

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Man United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man United fan?' 'Because my mum is a Man United fan, and my dad is a Man United fan, so I'm a Man United fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

Saw the title and thought someone was talking about me! Feeling old at 31? Get a life man, you have only been working age for 15 years! You have got another 44 to go before you can slow down! Shut up and stop whining.

You got it Rob, practice! However, there are Driver's and driver's. My ex couldn't drive my Transit (she once drove over a knee high wall with the back axle) yet I know someone who won a truck maneuvering competition yet it was his first time in a lorry!

I stopped a little over a year ago after double pneumonia, 3x pleurosie, and atelacsis! Even now I get into a situation and think a smoke would be good, a transport cafe with a lid of tea, a pub with Beer and the sun coming through the window, stuck in traffic and after a stressful moment. Stick to it and have the strength and perseverance. Best of luck to you.

Banksman! Reverse in a curve, always with the chipper in view. Get some visual I'D points that give you a reference. Namely, a point on the chipper which tells you that the manouver is unrecoverable. Practice on both sides. A HGV1 includes a reverse and park with the bumper in a zone. It is not hard if you practice, think and don't get flustered.

Jonesie?, in a low cut frock? Never!, Justin likes to keep his Man Boobs covered!

You know when it is time to diet when your fat arm makes the person behind you look naked!

We had 30m on all of ours but always had another bond - saved all that faff spooling them back onto the cage or into a tyre. I have to say that we never had the bond rated or checked tho.

Study the picture carefully - the punch line comes later!

Penguin - poor mans bourbon!

You are right, I did and thanks for putting it correct!

Google RS Electricals, they are a good source of virtually any electrical component. Try moving the switch to a position where if is still to hand but less likely to get whacked!

If you still struggle, kill the blade with a hammer and chisel then get the remains out once the blade is gone! All the above advice is good, the best advise is to clean the holes out properly and use an impact driver to "shock" them loose. Don't forget to change your torx drive if it starts to wear out too.

Get it recored - it will be a hell of a lot cheaper than buying a suspect used one!

When I first started working for GreenMech some 12 odd years ago, we had a couple of machines back in to the service dept with rope damage. I remember that one was while the climber was still aloft and the line parted under the strain. For a while though, the chipper was a high speed winch! The rope wrapped about the main rotor shaft and indeed, changed the shape of the housing and popped the bearing. No one got hurt, thankfully.

Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab,

Spot on, thanks for that!

I'm trying to remember the name of that mini skidder type gadget that was tracked and you could either stand on it or it had a handle which enabled you to walk in fron of it? I seem to remember it as a log skidder or even towing a sledge/trailer across boggy or uneven ground. Anyone know what it is called?

My condolences to all present or affected by this tragic waste. Please, don't take unnecessary risks.

To be honest, I'd take it to an Ag Engineer and give them the phone number for Hardmet Landforce for advise. I'd also look in the owners manual to see if there is any advice or hints in there. How does it work? do you know? Check all electrical connectors from the hydraulic spool valve through to the computer and from there back to the measuring device for a start.

It isn't really possible for a manufacturer, supplier or agent to make and carry parts for long dead models. That is why you have the "after market" making "pattern parts". Can you imagine Ford still carrying parts for the Model T?