Crap Jokes Thread.

[PeteB]

How do you get two whales in a mini?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Down the M5 then turn west along the M4!

[PeteB]

What's long and thin, covered in skin, pink in parts and found in tarts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rhuabarb!

[Klaymeb]

What goes "clip clop clip clop --Bang-- Clippty Clop Clippity Clop"

 

 

 

An Amish Drive By.

 

[Yve_Clark]

The Irish have a low stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life.

 

 

 

Irish Medical Dictionary

 

Artery............................The study of paintings

Bacteria.........................Back door to cafeteria

Barium............................What doctors do when patients die

Benign.............................What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section.........A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan.........................Searching for Kitty

Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her

Colic..............................A sheep dog

Coma.............................A punctuation mark

Dilate.............................To live long

Enema...........................Not a friend

Fester.............................Quicker than someone else

Fibula.............................A small lie

Impotent........................Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain...................Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane

Morbid............................A higher offer

Nitrates...........................Cheaper than day rates

Node...............................I knew it

Outpatient......................A person who has fainted

Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative...............A letter carrier

Recovery Room.............Place to do upholstery

Rectum...........................Nearly killed him

Secretion.......................Hiding something

Seizure..........................Roman emperor

Tablet............................A small table

Terminal Illness.............Getting sick at the airport

Tumor............................One plus one more

Urine..............................Opposite of you're out

[bob]

A few good Senior Moments

 

 

Garage Door

 

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

 

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

 

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

 

 

 

An elderly gentleman....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

 

 

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

 

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said.. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

 

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

 

 

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

 

 

 

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

 

 

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

 

 

 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

 

 

 

One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[PeteB]

Walked through the cemetary this morning, I passed this man crouching behind a headstone. "Morning" I said, he replied "No, I'm having a dump"!

[PeteB]

A newly wedded couple walk upto the Hotel reception asking for the bridal suite. "Any reservations?" asked the girl behind the counter. The bride replied, "I'm not sure about anal sex"

[tommer9]

Its not that crap this one, but i couldnt find the jokes thread.....

 

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count

as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring

back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office

and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc,

it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,

then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first

with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it

between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'

[TimberCutterDartmoor]

How did Stevie Wonder burn his ear?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answering the Iron!

[slasherscot]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a pint, and then asks him:

 

"What's your IQ"?

 

The man replies "150" why?

 

The robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics, spirituality, biomimicry, environmental issues, nano-technology and theology.

 

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool".

 

He decides to test the robot. He leaves the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another pint.

 

Again, the robot serves him the perfect pint and asks him again, "What's your IQ"? The man responds, "about a 100".

 

Immediately the robot starts talking, about football, cricket, golf, supermodels, favourite fast foods, cars, and women's breasts.

 

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.

 

He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ"?

 

The man replies, "Er, 10, I think".

 

And the robot says... real slowly......

 

 

So................ u r .. ye ... gaun ....nae .. renew .. yer .. season .. ticket .. f u r ra CELTIC .. again .. next .. year"?