Jump to content


Recommended Posts

A man has a dentist appointment. Before he goes his wife wants to 69. “No, I dont want to go to the dentist with you all over my breath” he says. But she won’t give up so gives in. When they finished, he goes into the bathroom and brushes for an hour, flosses for an hour and gargles with lysterine for an hour then goes to the dentist. He’s sitting in the chair and the dentist walks up and says “Ok, open up”. He opens his mouth and the dentist says “Oh my God!!” and quickly turns his head. The guy says “ Oh doctor I’m sorry about my breath!!” The dentist says “ No, your breaths fine. But your forehead smells like shit!!”

  • Like 3
  • Haha 3

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Friend of mine rents a booth on Hunstanton sea front funfair.

He’s been a ventriloquist for 50 years and that’s all he knows really .

When I saw him he said business was very bad, he was lucky to get 1 customer a day in to hear his little act.

I said to him that a ventriloquist is a bit old hat, everyone nowadays is into spooks and the afterlife, ghosts and spirits that sort of thing.

So for once he took my advice as the next time I saw him he was doing seances, and getting into contact with those that had passed over.

He hadn’t got a price list on the door but I heard him answer customers price enquiries,

He could talk to the dead for £20

He’d get the dead to talk to him for £30

Or for £50 , all of the above whilst drinking a glass of water.


  • Like 3
  • Haha 1

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, i want you to take the houses in Shankhill."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone road."

"My son Patrick Junior, i want you to take the offices in the city centre."

"Bridget my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road.

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife "Mrs O'Shaughnessy , my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?", his wife replies. "The ****************er had a window cleaning round."

  • Like 5
  • Haha 3

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


  • Featured Adverts

  • Tip site reviews


Arbtalk.co.uk is a hub for the arboriculture industry in the UK.  
If you're just starting out and you need business, equipment, tech or training support you're in the right place.  If you've done it, made it, got a van load of oily t-shirts and have decided to give something back by sharing your knowledge or wisdom,  then you're welcome too.
If you would like to contribute to making this industry more effective and safe then welcome.
Just like a living tree, it'll always be a work in progress.
Please have a look around, sign up, share and contribute the best you have.

See you inside.

The Arbtalk Team

Follow us

  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.