Jokes???

[tommer9]

Bloke walks into a bar and says "who wants to hear an Irish Joke?"

The bloke next to him (built like a tank) taps him on the shoulder and says "Before you say anything, I'm Irish, the Landlord who has served time for murder is Irish, The bloke at the end of the bar is a bare knuckle boxing champ for the irish Travellers and the doorman is ex IRA. So do you REALLY want to tell an Irish joke in here?"

The bloke replies "Not if i have to explain it four flippin times..."

[RobRainford]

Sex is the best way to lose weight. Look how many calories you can burn:

TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES

With her agreement (2 cal)

 

Without her agreement (687 cal)

 

TAKING OFF THE BRA

With both hands (8 cal)

 

With one hand (12 cal)

 

With one hand being slapped (37 cal)

 

With the mouth (85 cal)

 

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM

With erection (6 cal)

 

Without erection (515 cal)

 

PRELIMINARIES

Trying to find the clitoris (8 cal)

 

Trying to find G spot (92 cal)

 

Not giving a **** (0 cal)

 

WHEN DOING IT

Holding her up (12 cal)

 

Just on the floor (8 cal)

 

POSITIONS

Daddy-Mummy (12 cal)

 

69 laying (18 cal)

 

69 standing up (212 cal)

 

Wheelbarrow (416 cal)

 

Italian chandelier (912 cal)

 

HAVING AN ORGASM

Real (112 cal)

 

Fake (315 cal)

 

POST ORGASM

Staying in bed (18 cal)

 

Jumping off the bed (36 cal)

 

Explaining why she jumped off the bed (816 cal)

 

GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION

Between 16 and 19 years of age (12 cal)

 

from 20 to 29 (36 cal)

 

from 30 to 39 (108 cal)

 

from 40 to 49 (324 cal)

 

from 50 to 59 (972 cal)

 

over 60 (2916 cal)

 

PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES

Quietly (32 cal)

 

Being in a hurry (98 cal)

 

With her husband opening the door (2218 cal)

[scottythepinetree]

Bloke walks into a bar and says "who wants to hear an Irish Joke?"

The bloke next to him (built like a tank) taps him on the shoulder and says "Before you say anything, I'm Irish, the Landlord who has served time for murder is Irish, The bloke at the end of the bar is a bare knuckle boxing champ for the irish Travellers and the doorman is ex IRA. So do you REALLY want to tell an Irish joke in here?"

The bloke replies "Not if i have to explain it four flippin times..."

 

You asked for it:

 

An Irishman, a Scottishman and an Englishman are all going to be executed by a firing squad. The Englishman is taken out and told to face the wall so he does but just as they're going to shoot him, he shouts "Earthquake!" and the firing squad runs away. Then they bring out the Scottishman and he faces the wall but just as they are going to shoot he shouts "Tidal Wave!" and the firing squad again runs away. The Irishman is brought out and they tell him to face the wall and just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the Irishman shouts, "Fire!"

 

.....oh wait!!

[scottythepinetree]

Take 2:

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

[tommer9]

Take 2:

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

 

[Sam Thompson]

Take 2:

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

 

[ScotClayShooter]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

 

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

 

"Can anyone else try?"

 

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

 

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

 

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[ScotClayShooter]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

 

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night

[Tommy_B]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

 

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

 

"Can anyone else try?"

 

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

 

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

 

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

 

Hahaha!! Heard it before but its a great one that!!

[PeteB]

The teacher says to the class "Can anyone think of a sentence which uses the word IMPROPER?"

 

Mary from the nice end of town says " My father had an affair with my aunt which is most improper!"

 

"Correct!" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

 

Sally from the rough end of town stands up, "when my man is giving it large from behind, when his nuts are hitting my arse - then his in proper!"