Jokes???

[mixedangased]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says: 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon

[Paul Smith]

Lesson 1:

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

 

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

Moral of the story:

 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

Lesson 2:

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

he priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

 

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

 

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

Lesson 3:

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

 

Puff! He's gone.

 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story:

Bull crotties might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crotties is your

friend.

 

(3) And when you're in deep crotties, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

 

 

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[ScottF]

A penguin walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few minutes he asks the barman: "hey buddy, have you seen my brother?"

 

The barman replies: "I don't know. What's he look like?"

[TheTreeWiseMen]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.

 

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, 'Cuddles' has passed away'

 

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

 

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

 

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something'

 

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

 

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then

Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

 

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly

and strolled out of the room.

 

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

 

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the distraught woman.

 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '£150!', she cried, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

 

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now £150...

[firewoodman]

have you been shopping in ALDI lately?

if not get down there and try the meatballs.

apparently they are the dogs bolloks

[Stephen Blair]

a man walks into a bar, sits down and ordered a pint. the barman turned round and looked at the man. he noticed the man had a large orange for a head.he had eyes a mouth a nose everything a normal head would have but it was a big orange. not wanting to offend, the barman got him his pint. after about 30 minutes the bar was relatively quiet, the barman couldnt wait any longer. he said' excuse me mate, i dont want to be rude, but i see you have a big orange for a head' yes said the man.

how did you get that, asked the barman. well i was walking down the road when i found a magic lamp, i picked it up and gave it a rub, and out came a geeny, who offered me 3 wishes. as i was thinking of my first wish the geeny said'be careful what you wish for, you dont always get what you want. so i asked for 'infinate wealth' well done said the geeny, very precise. off you go and check your bank account.

so off he went, and sure enough when he put in his pin number, there wasnt enough room on the screen for all the zeros.

so the man gave the lamp another rub and out came the geeny, what would you like for your second wish, asked the geeny, but remember you dont always get what you wish for. the man thought for a few seconds then asked the geeny, i would like to 'irresistable to the opposite sex', well done said the geeny, very precise because you have to be careful, you dont always get what you wish for.

so off the man went, and for the next week he was surrounded by all the beautiful woman you could imagine, sex all day and sex all night. at the end of that week he gave the lamp its final rub. out came the geeny, well my friend its time for your third and final wish, be careful now because you dont always get what you wish for, that man waited a few seconds, and said 'can i have a massive head like an orange please'

[Mick Stockbridge]

Taking a short cut home along the railway line the other night I met a woman, we had sex right there and then in every position imagineable."Did you get a blow job" my mate asked, oh no I said, I never found her head.

[ScottF]

the previous joke is a three-star wrong 'un

[Mick Stockbridge]

the previous joke is a three-star wrong 'un

 

Av a larf you div.

[Stephen Blair]

Av a larf you div.

 

thats a five star good in,