Jokes???

[bob]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was

> sueing the lorry company,

> In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

>

> Solicitor

>

> 'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm

> fine?' .

>

> Seamus

>

> 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow,

> Bessie, into the...'

>

> Solicitor

>

> 'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not

> tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

>

> Seamus

>

> 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down

> the road....'

>

>

> The solicitor interrupted again and said,

>

> 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of

> the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.

> Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I

> believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

>

> By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and

> said to the solicitor:

>

> 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

>

> Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

>

> 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into

> the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and

> trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was

> thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt

> very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old

> Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by

> her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike

> turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to

> her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun

> and shot her between the eyes.

>

> Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand,

> looked me up and down, and said,

> 'How badly are you hurt?'

>

> 'Now what on earth would you have said'?

 

better than you

liked that one

[ad15]

Two prawns, one named David and one named Christian, are complaining about the constant threat of sharks in the sea near their homes.

 

All of a sudden, a mysterious codfish swims their way and promises to gr...ant the boys one wish. Christian isn't too sure about the mysterious codfish and tells David he thinks the character seems a bit fishy (!).

 

David, meanwhile, seizes the opportunity to have one wish granted. He thinks for a moment, then tells the mysterious codfish that he would like to be turned into a shark so that he would no longer have to live in fear.

 

Straight away, the mysterious codfish grants David's wish and swiftly swims off into the darkness. Christian takes one look at his friend's new appearance, and he too swims off, in fear of his life.

 

Days pass, and David soon realises he is lonely without his good friend Christian. David tries desperately to find the mysterious codfish, but to no avail. Then, just when David is about to give up his search, the mysterious codfish appears, right in front of David's eyes. David begs the great fish to change him back into his old self, explaining how he has had a miserable and lonely time as a shark.

 

The mysterious codfish hesistates, but eventually agrees to grant David his second wish. With that, the mysterious codfish once again disappears into the darkness of the briny sea.

 

Excited, David rushes to his friend Christian's house and knocks on the door. "Who's there?" calls Christian from inside.

"It's me, David!" comes the reply, "I've been changed back into my old self!"

"I don't believe you - you're just here to eat me!" cries Christian again.

"No, you don't understand", pleads David, "I've found Cod... I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

[Ben90]

The Chilean Miner rescue went very smoothly, despite the small pod which meant they had to come up Juan by Juan.

[tommer9]

I somehow think this is made up, but funny anyway!!

 

A SENIOR MOMENT

-

An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

 

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

 

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

 

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

 

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

 

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

 

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9--To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up

of this new arrangement.

 

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble

Client

 

 

Addendum

from The

Editor:

 

 

IMPORTANT

to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old

woman.

 

DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!

[tommer9]

>

> What is the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58,

> 68, and 78?

>

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 8

>

> You take her to bed and tell her a story

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 18

>

> You tell her a story and take her to bed

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 28

>

> You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 38

>

> She tells you a story and takes you to bed

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 48

>

> She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 58

>

> You stay in bed to avoid her story

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 68

>

> If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

>

> *************************************************************************

> **********

>

> At 78

>

> What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

[tommer9]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

 

 

 

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

 

He said, 'That's alright, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

 

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

 

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his

towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

 

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

 

She said, 'That was incredible!'

 

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told

you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

 

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

 

After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on

her towel and was hardly out of breath.

 

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

 

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both

 

sides of the Mersey

[tommer9]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

 

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

 

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

 

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

[PeteB]

Ho Ho Ho...... Very good and thanks for the entertainment, especially the banking letter!

[Dave Martin]

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

l

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

 

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

 

 

 

 

 

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

 

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

 

 

 

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

 

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

 

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let

off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

 

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

 

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[markiesla]

I didn't even manage the 1st paragrpah without cracking up

 

He really was a commick genius:thumbup: