Jokes???

[Ratman]

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[Ratman]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Carlow , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Mark Bolam]

[Mark J]

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism?
Single cell organisms have a wall.

[Rich Rule]

[Kyle Katarn]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he kneaded a poo...

[emoji23][emoji23][emoji23] brilliant

[Mark J]

I named my horse 'Mayo'.

Mayo neighs.

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

A rabbit walks into a pub and  says to the barman, " Can I have  a pint of beer, and a Ham  and Cheese Toastie, please ? " 
    
The  barman is amazed, but gives  the rabbit a pint of beer and a  ham and cheese  toastie..                

 

The  rabbit drinks the beer and  eats the toastie. He then  leaves.

 

The following  night the rabbit returns and  again asks for a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  The  barman, now intrigued by the rabbit  and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because  word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie.  

 

The rabbit  consumes them and leaves.
 
The next  night, the  pub is packed. 

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint  of beer and a Ham and Cheese  Toastie,  please  barman.'   

 

The crowd is hushed as the barman  gives the rabbit  his pint and toastie, and then burst into  applause as the  rabbit wolfs them down.

 

The next night there is  standing room only in the pub. 

 

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

 

The  barman is  making more money in one week than he did all last  year  

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and  a  Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please  barman. 

 

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out  of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'  

 

The  rabbit looks aghast. 

 

The crowd has  quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We  do have a very nice Cheese and Onion  Toastie.'

 

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will  like  it.'

 

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly  silent... 

 

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you  think that I would let down one of my best friends. I  know you'll  love  it.'

 

‘Ok,' says the rabbit,  'I'll have a pint of beer  and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'  

 

The pub erupts with  glee as the rabbit quaffs  the beer and guzzles the toastie.  

 

He  then waves  to the crowd and leaves....

 

NEVER TO   RETURN!!!!!!  

-----
One year later, in the now  impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4  drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls  time.

 

When  he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,  floating  above the bar.

 

The barman says, 'Who are you?', 

To which he is answered,   

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

 

The barman says, 'I remember you.   You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to  see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit  says, 'Yes I know..'

 

The barman said, 'I  remember, on your last night we didn't have any  Ham and  Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one  instead.'

 

The rabbit said,  'Yes, you promised me that I  would love it..

 

The  barman said, 'You never came back,  what happened?'

 

'I DIED', said  the  rabbit.  

 

'NO!'  said  the barman. 'What from?'

 

After a short pause, the   rabbit said...

 

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[Ratman]