Jokes???

[woody paul]

My little pony has just get a new panto job,

It will be the rear half of the Cow in Jack and the bean stalk.

[markieg31]

two girls were walking through a cemetery on there way home form a night out on the lash when they both suddenly needed the toilet.

 

the first girl used her nickers and the second grabbed at a wreath and used the ribbon.

 

later the next day one husband said to the other. "my wife came home last night with no knickers!"

The other one said "thats nothing, my wife came home last night with a card up her arse saying 'we will never forget you, from the lads at the fire station'."

[geoff]

two girls were walking through a cemetery on there way home form a night out on the lash when they both suddenly needed the toilet.

 

the first girl used her nickers and the second grabbed at a wreath and used the ribbon.

 

later the next day one husband said to the other. "my wife came home last night with no knickers!"

The other one said "thats nothing, my wife came home last night with a card up her arse saying 'we will never forget you, from the lads at the fire station'."

 

Superb!:lol:

[markieg31]

An Eskimo was on holiday in the UK to see his in laws. His in laws suggested he took their old car and did a bit of sight seeing and as he had never seen mountains

before he set off to Wales as he didn't fancy driving a far as Scotland in their rickety old car.

 

On the second day grinding up and down the welsh mountains the car came to a halt and after the smoke cleared the Eskimo lifted the bonnet to view the engine. Shortly

a farmer appeared in his Landrover and stopped to offer help.

 

"Having problems " enquired the farmer. " haven't a clue " replied the Eskimo, " Only ever driven a snowmobile before". The farmer walked closer and viewing the engine bay plastered in oil and the thin trail of oil down the road the farmer exclaimed " I bet you've blown a seal".

 

The Eskimo gave him a strange look and after a few seconds thought replied " So what , I bet you've sh****d a sheep !"

[geoff]

Girls nite out.

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... I promise! Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

 

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

 

Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.

 

When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, Oh ****!, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

[geoff]

Picture that requires no explanation...

[Mycoman]

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

 

Then I realised that was in bad taste.

 

I mean, why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

[Mycoman]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.

"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

[Rich2484]

Little Old Lady In Court...

 

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot him, the little ba******

[sloth]

This is why math is taught in school.

 

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

 

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

 

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........

 

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

 

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.

 

Statistically, half of these are driven by females.

 

That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

 

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

 

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

 

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

 

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

 

Flip one off? ... I think not.