Jokes???

[PeteB]

Caz and I 'had words' last night, - but I didn't get to use mine...

[PeteB]

Merry Christmas ! (to all sufferers of Premature Salutation)

[woody paul]

My little pony has just get a new panto job,

It will be the rear half of the Cow in Jack and the bean stalk.

[markieg31]

two girls were walking through a cemetery on there way home form a night out on the lash when they both suddenly needed the toilet.

 

the first girl used her nickers and the second grabbed at a wreath and used the ribbon.

 

later the next day one husband said to the other. "my wife came home last night with no knickers!"

The other one said "thats nothing, my wife came home last night with a card up her arse saying 'we will never forget you, from the lads at the fire station'."

[geoff]

two girls were walking through a cemetery on there way home form a night out on the lash when they both suddenly needed the toilet.

 

the first girl used her nickers and the second grabbed at a wreath and used the ribbon.

 

later the next day one husband said to the other. "my wife came home last night with no knickers!"

The other one said "thats nothing, my wife came home last night with a card up her arse saying 'we will never forget you, from the lads at the fire station'."

 

Superb!:lol:

[markieg31]

An Eskimo was on holiday in the UK to see his in laws. His in laws suggested he took their old car and did a bit of sight seeing and as he had never seen mountains

before he set off to Wales as he didn't fancy driving a far as Scotland in their rickety old car.

 

On the second day grinding up and down the welsh mountains the car came to a halt and after the smoke cleared the Eskimo lifted the bonnet to view the engine. Shortly

a farmer appeared in his Landrover and stopped to offer help.

 

"Having problems " enquired the farmer. " haven't a clue " replied the Eskimo, " Only ever driven a snowmobile before". The farmer walked closer and viewing the engine bay plastered in oil and the thin trail of oil down the road the farmer exclaimed " I bet you've blown a seal".

 

The Eskimo gave him a strange look and after a few seconds thought replied " So what , I bet you've sh****d a sheep !"

[geoff]

Girls nite out.

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... I promise! Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

 

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

 

Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.

 

When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, Oh ****!, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

[geoff]

Picture that requires no explanation...

[Mycoman]

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

 

Then I realised that was in bad taste.

 

I mean, why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

[Mycoman]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.

"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."