Jokes???

[nepia]

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for shagging a giraffe. Apparently the other six put him up to it.

[Tyz05]

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a massey ferguson 135..Mick says 'Bloody hell Paddy, what ya doing'. Paddy says, well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attractor.

[treequip]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

 

The man's curiosity got the better of him, he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

 

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

"My wife's."

 

''What happened to her?"

 

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

 

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

 

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

 

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

 

 

The man replied, "Get in line."

[treequip]

A rugby league fan is drinking in a London bar, when he gets a call on his mobile

 

 

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

 

 

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, that's about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy.

 

Gonna be a rugby league player.'Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!'

 

 

One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

 

 

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

 

 

The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

 

 

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'

 

 

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, 'Had him circumcised...'

[treequip]

A neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner, talk about Dyson with death.

 

 

 

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

 

 

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

 

 

 

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

 

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

 

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

 

 

 

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

 

 

 

 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my bum! Do you think I should change dentists?

 

 

 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

 

 

 

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

 

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

 

Just got back from A & E. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[PeteB]

Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab,

[Chris Gagen]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre. But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got Allsorts.......

[PeteB]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

 

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

 

 

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

 

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

 

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

 

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

 

'I am a Man United fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

 

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man United fan?'

 

'Because my mum is a Man United fan, and my dad is a Man United fan, so I'm a Man United fan too!'

 

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man United fan.

 

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time..

 

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

 

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

[PeteB]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar Birkenhead.

 

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

 

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

 

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

 

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

 

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

 

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

 

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

 

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

 

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

 

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

 

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

 

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

 

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

[PeteB]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

 

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

 

The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'

 

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'