Jokes???

[scottythepinetree]

Take 2:

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

[tommer9]

Take 2:

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

 

[Sam Thompson]

Take 2:

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and hear he was a pervert too."

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

 

[ScotClayShooter]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

 

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

 

"Can anyone else try?"

 

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

 

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

 

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

[ScotClayShooter]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

 

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night

[Tommy_B]

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

 

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

 

"Can anyone else try?"

 

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

 

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

 

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

 

Hahaha!! Heard it before but its a great one that!!

[PeteB]

The teacher says to the class "Can anyone think of a sentence which uses the word IMPROPER?"

 

Mary from the nice end of town says " My father had an affair with my aunt which is most improper!"

 

"Correct!" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

 

Sally from the rough end of town stands up, "when my man is giving it large from behind, when his nuts are hitting my arse - then his in proper!"

[Tommy_B]

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

 

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

 

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dlckhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered

[Shane]

Seen written on the back of a filthy transit...

' I wish my wife was this dirty'

Beneath that someone had added...

'She is!'

[dent]

Seen written on the back of a filthy transit...

' I wish my wife was this dirty'

Beneath that someone had added...

'She is!'

 

someone wrote down the side of my truck something similiar but "but your mum is " instead and also "lick my rim" round the wheel arch