Jokes???

[Gareth Smith]

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

 

:lol::lol:

[tommer9]

A Scotsman’s Chilli.

 

 

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

 

He sits at the counter and notices Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

 

 

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye, ye can gae right aheid."

 

 

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

 

 

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[tommer9]

IRISH DIET

 

 

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

 

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

 

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

 

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

 

The Irishman nodded ...

'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the blinkin' skippin'

[tommer9]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

 

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter

 

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,

I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out. Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

 

 

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the

Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

 

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[tommer9]

Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

 

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

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Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

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RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'..

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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure.. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations! ):

 

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable...'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from..'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!! !'

[Rowan the Bruce]

Have you got too much time on your hands again man?

[chaffey]

Love the one about the dog getting shot!!

[Gareth Smith]

School girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!" Mum replies, "Where's that then darling?" Girl says, "Mummy & Daddy take their clothes off & Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out & Mummy puts it in her mouth & sucks it & that's how u get babies!" Shaking her head, Mum says, "Oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes & all the decorating done"!

[Gareth Smith]

A group of primary school infants go on a trip to Ascot races to learn about horses. When it's time to take the children to the toilet it is decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other.The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting the boys up one by one holding their willies to direct the flow.As she lifts one boy she can't help but notice that he is unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare she says "You must be in Year Four"."No love" he replies,"I'm riding Silver Shadow in the 2:15!"

[chaffey]

Like it Smith77. Jokes are great plus it's a nice way to split the guys up:lol:.