Jokes???

[sime42]

 

 

[sime42]

[sime42]

[nepia]

1 hour ago, sime42 said:

 

 

...whilst being abstemious in his habits!

[sime42]

21 minutes ago, nepia said:

...whilst being abstemious in his habits!

 

Well done sir. 

[Oldfeller]

THE FIRST MESSAGE:

 

Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

 

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

 

Regards, Alan

 

THE ACTION:

 

Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour. Alan dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

 

He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbour.

 

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

 

Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you'll figure it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.

[Oldfeller]

customer comment from Amazon from people who used Veet for Men hair removal gel .

 

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...

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Edited Wednesday at 22:31 by Oldfeller

[Oldfeller]

A woman went to her doctor, for the baby's 6 month check.

 

He weighed the baby, checked it's reflexes, listened to its chest and asked lots of questions.

"This baby seems a little underdeveloped" he says. "Is she bottle fed or breast fed ?"

"Breast fed" says the lady.

"I'll need to examine you" says the doc. "Could you strip to the waist please?"

 

The woman agrees, and the doctor feels her breasts, rubbing and stroking them in every direction, before cupping them both in his hands. He makes a few notes in his files, before turning to her.

 

"I'm not surprised your baby isn't thriving" he says "you dont have any milk !"

 

" I know that" says the woman. "I'm her grandmother......but I'm f***ing glad I came !"