Jokes???

[Ratman]

[adrian007]

I have a joke about herbs and fish.

But this isn’t the thyme or the plaice... [emoji849]

[TIMON]

Or..,The Bailiffs favourite boy band...


Take That.

[Ratman]

[Logdaft]

1 When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2 To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3 When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
4 Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
5 Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
6 I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
7 I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
8 Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
9 If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
11. Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning, I don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
18. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
19. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
20. It’s the start of a brand-new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
21. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
22. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
23. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
24. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
25. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[David Cropper]

[kevinjohnsonmbe]

[Khriss]

6 hours ago, Logdaft said:

1 When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2 To me “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3 When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
4 Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”
5 Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”
6 I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
7 I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
8 Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
9 If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
11. Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning, I don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminium can stuffed with celery?
18. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
19. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
20. It’s the start of a brand-new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
21. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
22. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
23. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
24. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
25. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

... Stealing this!  K

[Logdaft]

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry's, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

[Logdaft]

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me ..... then plug me back in & see if that works!