Jokes???

[Bob Slade]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’, asked the doctor.

“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

“Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

[woody3]

tree pics

[Bob Slade]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNINGS:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz.

[sloth]

It's ridiculous to claim that video games influence children. If Pacman had affected kids born in the eighties, they'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to monotonous electronic music.

 

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Arbtalk mobile app

[JLA Arborists]

I don't like this new pound coin, but I have never liked change

[Bob Slade]

Subject: What's The Nail For?

 

> Penny, a blonde city girl, marries a Yorkshire dairy farmer. One

> morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to

> Penny, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our

> cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the

> barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

>

> So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

>

> After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front

> door.

>

> Penny takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and

> when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

>

> Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another

> ditzy blonde, the man asks,

>

> 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

>

> 'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Penny explains very

> confidently.

>

> Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk

> away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......

>

> 'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Bob Slade]

Honeymoon at Home: Fred and Mary got married but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”. Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?” His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.” Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?” His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch And go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

His mom says, “No..”

He asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Ok, now tell me what you think?”

He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for some Vaseline and I think….

I gave him my airplane glue.”

[Bob Slade]

While walking home from school one day, little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to see what was happening and I saw and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy….”

At this point, his mother had an idea and cut him off, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story. I think you should save the rest of it for supper time because I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Later that night at the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and, “Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.

[Gray git]

Replace farmer with arb boss

 

sent while pretending to do something important on my mobile.

[Bob Slade]

A Farmer in Cornwall see's a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts,

 

"Wozzon! Ee dun wanna be drinkin dat,

it's full of horse piss an cow

 

The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please".

 

The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!!!!!

Edited March 31, 2014 by Stephen Blair