Jokes???

[Stephen Blair]

That BMW 1 was brilliant !

[geoff]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

 

Every morning

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

 

She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

 

Then one Sunday morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

 

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

 

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

 

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

 

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife.

 

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

[Rich2484]

:lol::lol:

[Stompy]

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are sat in the waiting room at the vets. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence the Great Dane nudges the Jack Russell and asks him " Hey buddy, what are you in for??".

 

The Jack Russell looks up and replies " Well you would never believe it..... My owners had this swanky do last night at home, loads of friends round, live music, dancing and this giant great buffet. Well I couldn't help myself, just couldn't resist, I waited till the room was free and I was up on the table and I had the lot, party sausages, mini pizza's, crab sticks, I even ate the twiglets".....

 

"Nice job" replies the Dane "you in for a dickie tummy then?"

 

"not quite" replies the Jack Russell. " A few hours later I paid for it. My tummy was gurgling and before I knew what was happening my arse just exploded....jesus it was everywhere, up the curtain, all over the carpet, i even covered their mates coats. My owners are not happy..... I'm here for the big blue injection"

 

"Christ, thats harsh mate" Murmers the Great Dane. "Sorry Buddy"

 

" No worries" says the Jack Russell "So what are you in for?"

 

"Well...." says the Great Dane " I was in my bed in the kitchen last night and at about 3 am my owners wife comes down in this sexy little black night dress, I mean this thing was just about covering her arse" He paused to smile gently to himself...

 

"Well she went to fridge and leaned in the get the yogurt and her nightdress rode up over her arse.... I couldn't help my self. i jumped up, ran across the kitchen and mounted her from behind and really went for it!"

 

"Jesus" gasped the Jack Russell " you in for the injection too then?"

 

The great Dane glanced at him then down at his paws and said " No, just to get my claws trimmed"

 

Crap I know but made me chuckle

Edited February 1, 2014 by Stephen Blair

[Shane]

Two drunks sitting on the underground

First drunk says 'Is this Wembley'?

Second one says 'No, I think it's Thursday'

First drunk 'Yeahhh, so am I, Lets go and get another drink'

 

 

 

Later they are walking along the track,

First one says 'This is a bloody long staircase'

second one says 'I don't mind that so much it's the stupid low handrail I don't like'

[Mull]

A dog is a man's best friend..If you don't believe it, try this experiment......Lock your dog and wife in the boot of the car for an hour..When you open the boot, see which one is happiest to see you!!

[bobh]

A dog is a man's best friend..If you don't believe it, try this experiment......Lock your dog and wife in the boot of the car for an hour..When you open the boot, see which one is happiest to see you!!

 

You first, if you come out of it safe I'll give it a go!

[Mull]

You first, if you come out of it safe I'll give it a go!

 

I would never do a thing like that😱

 

I'm far too fond of my dogs😃

[Adam Bourne]

So I Just put my phone on airplane mode, and threw it in the air!!!!

 

 

 

Worst transformer ever!!!!

[JLA Arborists]

So I Just put my phone on airplane mode, and threw it in the air!!!!

 

Worst transformer ever!!!!

 

Brilliant

👍😆