Jokes???

[WirralBoy]

[Bolt]

A husband and wife are chatting over dinner..

 

Husband: “If I died would you date another man?”

 

“Of course I would” she replies.

 

……. “But, Would you let him move in to our house?” Has asks, slightly taken aback.

 

“Of course I would” she replies.

 

“What! And let him sleep in our bed?” He says in disbelief 

 

“Of course I would” she replies.

 

“But…. you surely wouldn’t you let him use my Golf Clubs?” He stammers, incredulous as to what he was hearing.

 

“Oh, Definitely NOT. She replies.

 

Relieved, he asks “Is that because they are personal to me?”

 

“No” she says “It's because he’s left handed...”
 

[Bolt]

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

 

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

 

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”.

 

The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”

[Bolt]

Mike was going to be married to Rachel so his Father sat him down for a little man to man chat..

 

He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. 

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, ‘Here, try these on’.

Your mother did and she said to me that they were too big and she couldn’t wear them.

I replied to her, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.”

 

“Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

 

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Rachel, “Here, try these on..!”

 

She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don't fit me.”

 

Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.”

 

Then Rachel slipped off her knickers and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here, you try on mine!”

 

Mike did and said, “I can't get into your knickers.”

 

“Exactly” Rachel explained “And if you don't change your stupid smart-ass attitude, you never will.”
 

[Bolt]

Two hunters were talking tall tales about sketchy situations they had got themselves into, when one remembered about a particular trip to Africa….   “I was out in the savanna hunting, and I became aware of something behind me... so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me ...I start running in order to escape but it was hopeless, with the lion getting closer and closer but just when I thought all was lost and I thought it was bound to get me, the lion just slipped and fell on the ground, buying me enough time to escape and reach safety.”  

 

Impressed, the second hunter then said “Wow, you must have balls of steel….. how the hell didn't you shit yourself mate?”

To which the first hunter replied "what do you think the lion slipped on?"

[Bolt]

A bra and two jump leads walk into a bar.
The jump leads go sit down while the bra asks at the bar for 3 beers.

"I'm not serving you! Replies the landlord “You're clearly off your tits, and your two pals over there look like they're about to start something”.

[Bolt]

Two doctor friends are sitting and having a chat on a bench.

Across from them, they see a man hobbling and barely able to walk.

 

“Poor guy” the first doctor says “looks like he suffers debilitating back pain. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight - probably a forestry worker” 

 

The second doctor disagrees. “I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favouring his right side - I saw a similar patient last week who had wrecked his joints after years of tree climbing”.

 

So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. They cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury.

 

The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis, but in reality all three of us have misread my situation today.

You wrongly thought it was my back….. and you wrongly thought it was my hip…..

and I wrongly thought it was only a fart.”
 

[WirralBoy]

[Bolt]

 

A well dressed young lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. 

 

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. 

 

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at her for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. 

 

Two weeks later, the businesswoman returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. 

 

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. 

 

What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” She replies:

 

”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

[WirralBoy]